


HSWC 2014 Bonus Round

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: HSWC 2014, Humanstuck, Multi, see chapter headers for tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-01
Updated: 2014-08-28
Packaged: 2018-02-03 02:01:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 32,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1727027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My bonus round fills on behalf of Team Palepitch.</p><p>See headers for warnings</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tavros <3 Eridan, G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Tavros/Eridan: Remember when Tavros found out about how many lusii Eridan had killed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: lusii death discussed

Tavros sat next to his new matesprit Eridan on the cliff near his re-created windmill hive and pondered the number Eridan just told him.

“Nine thousand…” he muttered in shock.

“No,” Eridan replied testily, “Eight thousand eight hundred and forty-fivve. Don’t round up.”

“Uhh, that number you said? It’s still really large?”

“But it’s exact and that’s my point.”

“What is the average number, for each night, in exactitude?”

“If you DID THE MATH YOURSELF, you’d see it only comes out to, on avverage…about fivve an night.

“Five!”

“Actually, most nights it wwas just one or twwo, but the numbers are skewed because sometimes I’d get ten a night.”

“Not just five, but ten?”

“Hey, sometimes I wwas lucky,” Eridan said smugly.

“That’s not lucky, that’s terrible.”

Eridan sneered, “Hey, I wwas doin’ it all for you. Wwe needed to feed to Gl’bgolyb or else all you land dwwellers wwould croak.”

“But you wanted all us land dwellers to, uhh, croak.”

“But not in that wway! And it wwould have killed me and all the sea dwwellers. Wwe have superior constitutions but wwe aren’t immune.”

“I guess I should be thankful, that you were on the job, saving trolldom, for two sweeps…”

“An little more than twwo sweeps, thank ya vvery much.”

“But I feel sorry for all orphan trolls, and of course I feel sorry for all the lusii, since I like animals, of all kinds.”

“Oh, like you havven’t killed any animals!”

“Hey! You know that I’m a vegetarian, so I don’t eat meat, which is made of animals, or things cooked in meat, or clothes made of animals.”

“You wweren’t alwways an vvegetarian.”

“Yes, when I was the littlest of wrigglers, I ate rations made of meat, but I never, uhh, killed the animal, uhh, not personally that is.”

“Okay, so you didn’t personally get ya lovvely hands dirty butcherin’ meat, but come on, you must havve killed in self-defense before! Beasts can be pretty damn vviolent, you knoww your zoology science.”

“I always defended myself, by communing with the animal, so it wouldn’t attack me.”

“You communed perfectly evvery time?”

Tavros looked down. “Actually, one time, I made a mistake, while communing with an animal, that happened to also be a lusus.”

“It’s okay, you probably didn’t knoww your powwers enough back then.”

“I mean, I did commune perfectly, I just asked it to do the wrong thing. It was chasing after me, so I told it to go in a different direction, and that direction happened to be off a cliff, this cliff in fact.”

Eridan looked down the cliff. “Oooo.”

Tavros started crying. “The worst part was, when I looked down the cliff, I could see a wriggler crying, over the bristlebeast, since that’s what the creature was. It was a beautiful bristlebeast.”

Eridan put his arm over his matesprit’s shoulder. “There, there. I understand. Some an the beasties I killed were fuckin’ majestic.” He added in whisper. “Except the wwhales. Fuck wwhales.”

Tavros wiped his eyes. “Then maybe I can get you to eat vegetarian, one night. I have a crab cake recipe, that uses bread crumbs.”

“Sounds like bad crab cakes,” Eridan sniffed but then added, “But I can try it for you.”

“Thanks!”

“But for noww, let’s enjoy the ocean.”

They went back to enjoying the ocean while they cuddled. Fifteen minutes later, Tavros broke the silence.

“Speaking of numbers, how many people have you had sex with?”

“Glub.”


	2. Grand Highblood & Karkat, G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grand Highblood&Karkat
> 
> Remember that year Grand Highblood had to be mall Santa and he got peed on by Karkat during the photo?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Urination

[ ](http://imgur.com/KCkt4mq)

[ ](http://imgur.com/9Vb80KJ)


	3. Signless & Karkat, G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Signless/Karkat
> 
> Remember when Karkat met the Signless in a dreambubble and rejected his teachings?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: violence mention

Even though the dreambubble’s false sun had no sting, Karkat still felt uncomfortable walking through the desert. He cursed his bad luck that he had ended up in what should be Kanaya’s realm, not his. Where was Kanaya, or anyone else, for that matter? He wished he could spot some other dreamer. It seemed like he had been walking for an hour.

He was just about to collapse into the sand and stay there until he woke up when he saw a cave. He went towards it and noticed some movement by a grey-cloaked figure. He ran towards the cave not caring who was in it. He just desperately wanted to meet someone. When he got to the cave mouth, he stopped. The grey-cloaked figure was sitting on a rock with their back turned to him. Calculating their size Karkat realized they must be an adult and he suddenly grew afraid. It was an involuntary response of a wriggler to an adult and Karkat felt deeply ashamed of his cowardice. However, he didn’t think the stranger was a troll, since Karkat could see any horns.

Suddenly, the figure got up and turned around. Now Karkat could see it was a troll by the grey skin and tiny horns poking out of its hood. The figure wore no shirt but instead had leggings going up to its armpits. Karkat almost stepped backwards for a moment before realizing who it was.

“The Signless?” he whispered.

The Signless put his right hand up in a sign of peace and his left hand on his heart. He spoke in a deep and honeyed voice. “Yes, Karkat Vantas, it is I, the Signless, your Ancestor.”

Karkat took a step further than stopped.

“Don’t be afraid, my wriggler,” the Signless said, “I am not cruel like other adults. You can approach me without fear.”

Karkat started walking to the Signless. He could see the adult’s red colored eyes. They were so filled with warmth.

“Very good, my wriggler,” the Signless sighed, “Oh, I’ve wanted so long to meet my Descendent. I have much wisdom to impart on you.”

Karkat came within two feet of the adult. The Signless was much taller than Karkat expect from a Vantas. Karkat wondered if he would grow that tall one day.

“Actually,” Karkat said softly, “I have some things I want to tell you first.”

“You can tell me anything, my wriggler.”

Karkat looked at the floor. It was now or never. Who knew if he would ever cross bubbles with his Ancestor again?

He whispered, “It’s just…when I look at your life…I think…” He took a deep breath. “What the hell were you thinking?!? he yelled.

The Signless looked taken aback but he said, “I guess you don’t know much about my life. See, I was trying to unite all trollkind in hemospectrum-blind civilization via…”

“And you thought you could do it by preaching?”

“Words are a very powerful tool…”

“No, words are fucking useless. I should know, I have words up to my nook and then some and they have done me no good at all. Trolls don’t respond to talk, they respond to action!”

“I’m afraid you have an incomplete view of my quest, my compatriots and I in addition to preaching also conducted guerilla warfare.”

“Don’t patronize me, I’ve read enough about you to know your ‘warfare’ was just cowardly terrorism. So you blew up a weapons factory in East Bloatian! Great job, you killed a hundred lowbloods and peeved off a couple highbloods for five minutes before they realized they could just build another factory stocked with another hundred disposable slaves. And that sad blood smear on the history books was one of your better campaigns. Mostly you just fucked up commerce urban squares. God, I pulled off better campaigns when I was only just six sweeps old.”

“We did the best we could…”

“Your best wasn’t good enough! You failed! You died like a common criminal and all the people who hung onto you like shit hangs onto a chute got flushed down the load gaper of history! The Empire continued being the Empire and all the lowbloods you didn’t either explode or lead to their doom continued to be enslaved by the Empire. Not one roe cube of good came from either your life or your death!”

“That’s unfair,” said the Signless, pointing at Karkat’s chest, “If it weren’t for me you wouldn’t have your sign or your lusus.”

“Oh yes, your followers managed to do one thing correct before they tripped over their shame globes and died! So they made sure I didn’t die as a grub…where were they after that? What the hell was the plan for when I got my eye tint? You guys let me live only to doom me to a life sentence of eight measly sweeps! I was all alone in the world trying to think of some crazy plan, any plan, that would keep me from having as shameful a death as you!

“Not that I even knew who you were! The only reason I found out was because stupid dreambubble shenanigans brought your kinky multi-quadrant girlfriend’s memoirs to me via Mindfang’s nerd universe counterpart. I’d say if you were expecting a nook-slurping from a teenager today you should have gone to her but even she only likes you ‘ironically’. Anyway, I read that book and every other book about you that fucking spider dropped on my head and each one only made me angrier. I have spent so long waiting to tell you all this ever since I heard your uncreative name!”

The Signless was frozen in shock.

“Ahh,” said Karkat, “so you were expecting a nook-slurping from a teenager! You really did expect I would feel grateful to you and I’d worship you! You are just like that globe-fondler Kankri from Beforus. Remember, the troll you were? You were a loser in Beforus! You weren’t accepted, you were tolerated! And barely at that! Why did you want to go back there? Why couldn’t you make a better Alternia? You could have been Emperor of a conquering galactic empire and I could have been your heir, but instead you failed!”

Karkat started crying. The Signless still did nothing.

“You failed me,” Karkat sobbed.

Karkat grabbed onto the Signless’ cloak and started pulling it.

“Say something!” he yelled, “Say something! Can’t you say something or are you just some bilious gas cloud of…”

At that Karkat managed to pull the cloak off only for it to disappear in his hands. He looked up and saw the Signless was gone.

“Oh,” Karkat whispered before falling on his knees and crying.

At the mouth of the cave, Aradia touched down lightly but Karkat could still feel her presence.

“Isn’t it weird how the dreambubbles work?” she said, “There are the Sgrub players but there are also all these neat memory constructs like the other day I was talking with…”

Karkat put up his middle finger without looking at her. “SHUT UP, ARADIA,” he growled.

Aradia shrugged her shoulders and her wings fluttered. “Okay, but we will talk again,” she said as she left.

Karkat stayed in the cave and cried. He woke up on a pile of books about the Signless and he was all alone. He sighed. He should have known that the Signless wouldn’t be so tall.


	4. Dave & John & Gamzee, G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Dave&John&Gamzee
> 
> remember when dave told john he got banned from mcdonalds for angering the clown living in the restaurant's ball pit?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: gross stuff mentioned

 “…and that’s how I got banned from the McDonald’s.”

John had been quiet all through Dave’s long meandering story explaining why they couldn’t go to McDonald’s but now he burst out.

“That was the dumbest, lamest story I have ever heard. An alien clown haunting the ball pit? And you made fun of my monkey with shivs story. At least monkeys and shivs exist.”

“And so do clowns,” Dave replied from the hotel room chair.

“But an alien?” John said as he crossed his arms and leaned against the wall.

“Hey, I didn’t say he was an alien, I just said he was a dude with grey skin and candy corn horns. You’re the one asking for his intergalactic green card. You are so speciest, Egbert.”

“So what was it?”

“I don’t know, some dude with grey skin and candy corn horns.”

“If you’re going to make up a story, at least fill in some details.”

“I didn’t get the chance to give the guy much of an interview before he got pissed off at me for mentioning ICP and hit me in the head with a club.”

“Are you sure you didn’t hit your head on something and have a hallucination?”

“If I was having a hallucination, so was the manager when he dragged me out and told me what happened. Why would I share hallucinations with a sweaty middle-aged loser in food services? Go ahead, ask him, he’ll collaborate, name’s Mike Stevenson by the way.”

“Pfft, that’s what you want me to do! I’m not falling for your lame prank.”

“No, lame pranks are your deal. I don’t do pranks. ‘Oh wow I made someone feel uncomfortable for a moment I’m a genius!’ What would I get from this prank? I wouldn’t be around to see it because I’M BANNED, remember?”

“There’s always the satisfaction of a job well-done.”

“Well I’m not doing that job. I like my prank steak rare with an extra heap of ‘I don’t give a fuck’ sauce. This isn’t a prank, it’s a true story.”

“Praaaank.”

“Do you think I’d ever pretend to be lame for a prank? That was one of the top ten embarrassing moments of my life and fuck you, you aren’t hearing the rest of the list.”

“I wasn’t going to ask. I don’t think I want to hear any more stories from you.”

“And I won’t tell you anymore. I just thought you’d like this story because you’re into all that paranormal shit, ectoBiologist.”

“I like it in movies, not in real life. And speaking of movies? ‘They all float down here’? You stole that from Stephen King’s It.”

“The clown stole it, not me, put the plagiarism police handcuffs on his bony wrists, not these fine DJ hands. And before that, you can ask him what the hell he meant by that, because I’ve never read the book or seen the movie because I heard it ends in a sewer orgy.”

“That was a touching scene!”

“I bet it was a touching scene for you. Lots of touching.” Dave sigh. “But for once we need to forget the masturbation jokes, just listen to my story.”

“Okay, I’m listening to your stupid story, let’s hear some more details. So the alien – I mean, non-human – had horns? What shape?”

“They looked like goat horns.”

“Good, you aren’t going for clown horns. So, now this alien guy is a satyr?”

“I didn’t see his legs, he was chest deep in balls. If you want to see his legs or his giant knotted goat dong, you can dive in, but as far as I know he wasn’t a furry.”

“Ughh, no, I don’t even know why the hell you went into the ball pit. There’s got to be tons of used condoms in there…or used needles. Hey, are you sure you didn’t prick yourself on a needle? Are you high?”

“No, I’m not high on any drugs found in hysterical mom email forwards. It was a perfectly clean ball pit, well, except for the dirty clown that lives there. Wait, does that guy use that pit as a litter box?”

John stepped back. “I was going to ask that myself. You smell kinda rank.”

“See? Proof I stepped into a crazy clown’s litter box.”

“More like proof you need to get Bro to let you use the shower once in a while before using up all the hot water.”

Dave sighed. “You’re telling me. Anyway, I dived into the depths of disgusting for this story and you don’t believe me.”

“Better luck next time dude. I’m going to McDonald’s by myself for a Big Mac. Too bad you can’t come or you’ll blow your story.”

“Pff, McDonald’s already blows. You can just get the Big Mac test by dipping pickles in Thousand Island dressing. You’ll miss the beef test but McDonald’s just sprays that on.”

“Yeah yeah, ostrich meat. Still want a Big Mac.”

Dave gave a tiny smile. “Are maybe you’re going to see if my story is true?”

John rolled his eyes. “Nope. Bye.”

John left the room they were sharing for the convention and went to the McDonald’s Dave talked about three blocks away. The place did have Play Place with the requisite ball pit, just like Dave had said. However, John ignored it and went straight to the counter to order his normal Coke and Big Mac. While he ate his meal in the strangely empty restaurant, he couldn’t keep his eyes off the ball pit. When he threw away his trash, he looked the sweaty nervous white man talking to an employee. Could that be Mike Stevenson? John mentally chided Dave for not giving that character a funny name like “Mike Rotch”. John wasn’t interested at all in talking with the manager. That would be too awkward. However, the ball pit could be fun. He’d just be recreating his childhood, right? Convention were a great time to reconnect with your childhood.

So with that excuse, John walked over to the ball pit, and making sure nobody saw him, went in. Whee, he thought, this is fun. He went to get out but it was harder than he thought. Suddenly, a pair of yellow horns started poking out of the balls in front of John. John watched in horror as they slowly rose up, revealing themselves to be candy-colored goat horns. The story was true! John was afraid, but he was too paralyzed to move. The owner of the horns rose up until it was up to its chest. It had wild black hair and its skin was a dull grey with white clown makeup on its face. Though skinny, it had long wiry arms. It stared at the human with yellow and purple eyes and a vacant smile.

“Hello, motherfucker,” it said in a voice that was both friendly and threatening.

John had only one question he was able to ask. “How did you rise like that?”

“They all float down here.”

Suddenly, John’s nerdy anger overcame his fear. “Hey, you stole that from Stephen King’s It!”

The creature groaned and snapped its fingers. “Ah, motherfuck! I should have known some miracle brought it to my head! Damn, good line anyways, right?”

John could only nod, even though it did sound lame in this story. He would never tell Dave this story.


	5. Condesce & Insane Clown Posse, T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Her Imperial CondescensionGrand Highblood
> 
> Remember when the Condesce installed ICP as the rulers of Earth to fill the moirail-shaped hole in her heart?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: drug and bodily fluid mention  
> Rot13: zvaq pbageby, obaqntr, cnyr encr

Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J agreed, it was a pretty sweet gig being Dual-Presidents of the United States. You get a cool crib, your own jet plane and helicopter ready at all times, and best of all, everybody has to listen to your raps. However, when the Batterwitch first approached them, they were hesitant to take the gig. They didn’t know anything about politics except how the censors kept them down. The Batterwitch answered their concern by saying she would tell them everything to do, what to veto and what not to veto, where to put the troops, all of that boring shit. They would have a chance to do cosmetic changes. She added as a plus they could kill any haters that they wanted. They agreed.

 

The campaign was surprisingly easy. They traveled all of the country, but at each stop, instead of making a political speech they said just whatever was on their mind: what they ate for breakfast, what they watched on TV, how drunk they got last night, some hot ninjette they saw, etc. Despite having virtually no political stance, they had support from both parties. The polls were always positive. While the politicians and the news media were all with them, there was a small group of Hollywood celebrities against them. They were led by this ironic hipster director named Dave Strider. He put out a series of movies called “Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff”. (The rap duo had to confess, despite hating the stuck-up rich boy they loved the movies until the Batterwitch lectured them on the subliminal references.) The Insane Clown Posse campaign had their own much bigger Hollywood cartel. In the end Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J won 90% of the vote.

 

They started off their administration with a bang. Their inauguration was like a Gathering of the Juggalos, except bigger, much bigger.  Millions of dollars were spent on Faygo alone. When their favorite chief Guy Fieri got together with them to all shit on the Bible in perfect unison in a ceremony that rivaled GWAR. The District of Columbia got statehood, but this didn’t bring much joy to the Washingtonians, since they were all forcible removed and replaced with loyal Detroiters. The administration took their revenge on the FBI for labelling them a criminal gang. They assassinated every rapper that had ever dissed them. They got to redecorate not only the White House but the entire capital. Even the national water supply got pimped out with Faygo.

 

After the First Hundred Days checkpoint was passed and construction was done on the new presidential crib, the Dual Presidents ran out of ideas. Instead of governing, they spent all their time in the Oval Office smoking pot and playing video games. Though they expected that any day the Batterwitch would give them new orders, they were still surprised when she threw open the door to the Oval Office without any announcement by the Secret Juggalo Service as the dual-presidents sat on the couch engrossed in a video game.

 

“Listen up, tunaheads!” she yelled loud enough to be heard over the deafening noise of the television.

 

Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J jumped in their seats and looked behind them. The Batterwitch was dressed not in her usual fuchsia pantsuit but instead in jeans and a belly shirt. Her hair was up in her impossibly tall beehive but some locks of it were burnt. Her brown body and face makeup was smeared. She looked a mess.

 

“Whoooa, are you okay, Baroness?” asked Shaggy 2 Dope.

 

“Yeah,” said Violent J, “You look fucked up.”

 

The Batterwitch pumped her arm sarcastically. “And a whoop whoop to you too, you rude jerks, NOW TERN OFF THAT TELEFISHIN’!”

 

They did so immediately and jumped over the coach to greet her properly with prostration before her sneakers.

 

“Good buoys, I’ve got you craned, now get into high tide,” she said as she raised her jewelry-laden arms. The rap duo stood up and got into more casual poses. “Good. Now I’ve come callin’ for somefin very im-sea-portant.”

 

“You gonna tell us the next step?” asked Shaggy 2 Dope.

 

“Are we gonna invade somebody? I’m dyin’ to kick it north and waste some frenchy ass.”

 

“Nope, this shit ain’t politics for now, this is a personal matter.”

 

The bros looked at each other. They had never talked anything personal with her. They barely knew her anything about her life other than she came from New Zealand and she had horns and grey skin that she hide because she had orc ancestry. While the rap duo did have some questions for her they were afraid to ask, she had never shown any interest in the two Detroit boys’ history or their personal lives.

 

She took off her fuchsia cat’s eye sunglasses, revealing her yellow and fuchsia eyes. The rap duo turned their attention back to her.

 

She started, “Have you ever wondered why I chose you two to be my presidents outta all the native-hatched landlubbers in this country?”

 

“…actually, yeah,” said Shaggy 2 Dope, “I mean, we are the most wicked tops rappers on the scene, but you’ve never been into our sound.”

 

“And you don’t believe in the Dark Carnival and all its truths,” added Violent J, “You ain’t believin’ in miracles.”

 

“Not that we ain’t grateful you been helpin’ the Family, but…you ain’t exactly Family?”

 

She nodded. “And I ain’t never gonna be. But even though I ain’t a fellow warshipper, I still feel a connection with ya two.”

 

“Thanks,” they said.

 

She began, “Let me tell you a shore-y: way back in my home-ocean…”

 

“The Pacific?” Violent J asked.

 

“Yes, the Pacific, it was New Zealand” she hissed before calming down, “Anywaves, I knew a male human just like you two…in a sense. He was ambitious, ruthless, sadistic, alwaves rappin’ aboat violence and death, but with a playful shore as well.” She sighed happily. “He was a motherglubbin’ clown.”

 

“Oh shit, was he in the Family?” Shaggy J Dope asked excitedly.

 

 

“No, he was not in your Family,” she snapped and then added, “But he was in a similar New Zealand scene. They called them ‘the Subjuggulators’.”

 

Violent J snapped his fingers. “Damn good name, we shoulda named our label that.”

 

Shaggy 2 Dope asked, “Was he horrorcore? Ever drop an album? ‘Cause maybe we can reissue under Psychopathic. For you, Baroness.”

 

She shrugged. “He did some New Zealand clam poetry but he wasn’t a rapper. He had betta fins to do.”

 

“Oh,” the rape duo said disappointedly.

 

She put out her left hand and smiled. “My clown boy was my left flipper man,” she said as she squeezed her left hand into a fist. “Back when I haddock that bakery archipelago, he was Vice-President. He was my enforcer and my advisor. He was ruthless and effishent.” She sighed. “Now, despike his skill, I only hired the dude ‘cause he was a big man in the Subgluggulator cult and I want their sup-sea-port, I found him very helpful.

 

“At first, I resented that I had to hang onto this buoy ‘cause I thought he was just an annoyin’ clown who ain’t able to put on his makeup or wash his hair, but when I got used to him and his rank odor, I found his presense…soothin’. I felt like it didn’t matter what the idiots ‘round me did, ‘cause he’d alwaves be there to teach a fool. I found myshelf feelin’ towards him…affection.

 

“Yes, I fell in love with him…a speshell type a’ love. To my everlastin’ happiness, I found he reterned my love and he beclam my buoyfround…though to be honest he woulda beclam my buoyfround ever if he didn’t return my feelin’s, cause I was the Prez…anywaves, we were happy togetta for many centuries.”

 

“Centuries?” asked Violent J.

 

“New Zealand centuries,” the Batterwitch said quickly, “Our years are shorter ‘cause of the rotation of the poles.” She took a breath. “But sadly, our love was not to last.”

 

“What happened to him?” asked Shaggy 2 Dope.

 

“He got himshelf blown to chunks. And no, not by me, if you were gonna ask, if I wanted to krill my lubber I’d do it differently.”

 

“Nope, we weren’t gonna ask,” lied Shaggy 2 Dope.

 

“No, he was blown up by some bitter ex-employee...the hater strapped some explosives to himshelf when he was meetin’ with my Vice to bury the hatchet…my Vice woulda sonared it comin’ but the killa had no fear.”

 

The clowns bowed their heads in respect for their brother from another mother.

 

“Afterwards, we feed the chunks to his favorite dingoes, as per New Zealand custom. I appointed a new Vice-President an’ while he was also tops, it wasn’t the same.

 

“Only a few New Zealand centuries latter, all my employees caught the flu and died simultaneously. I was speared from the flu ‘cause I had my vaccines.”

 

“You mean miracles,” said Shaggy 2 Dope.

 

“Wicked awesome miracle,” reiterated Violent J and they fist-bumped.

 

“No, a miracull woulda been if NONE a’ my employees died. Fuckin’ tragedy a’ my life an’ you say ‘miraculls’. Anywaves, with my company dead in the water, I sailed over to this country and floundered a new company. An’ while my company’s gone to the top, I still felt lower than the Earth’s Marinna Trench without my ol’ clown. Now, I didn’t stay entirely out of the datin’ sound, I was American married to an American japster for a maritime and I had to raise his brats, but otter than that, I didn’t have nobody.”

 

She pointed at the two clowns in front of her. “Until I met you two. You are so much like my old buoyfround…whale, not that much like him, y’all are pretty glubbin’ dumb and you’re chubby instead a’ beefy…but y’all got his spirit even if y’all don’t have his brains an’ bods. And…And…”

 

As stupid as they were, the rap duo knew what was coming but stayed silent.

 

She took a deep breath and continued, “An’ despite myshelf, I’m in love with y’all…so I want y’all to be my buoyfrounds.”

 

Her new loves looked disgusted and horrified.  

 

“Fuckin’ both of us?” they said together.

 

She stomped her foot. “Why the fuck not? I love you both an’ I want you both an’ I get what I want, fuck the rules.”

 

“But it’s ‘gainst our rules,” said Shaggy 2 Dope, “We don’t do no Devil’s Threesome.”

 

“Bros don’t let the balls touch,” Violent J declared.

 

“Balls? What? Like the human anatomy?” she said, “I’m not interested in your baby cannon, you can kelp that away from me. I don’t even wanna kiss you. Mammal sex is fuckin’ sick.”

 

The rap bros were relieved. While she was smoking hot, they weren’t interested in having sex with her, even one-on-one. There was just something about her that turned them off. It was probably her quarter-orc heritage.

 

“So, what the hell are we supposed to do if we ain’t fuckin’?” asked Violent J.

 

“It’s simple, you chunderheads, we just cuddlefish while I glub about my feelin’s.”

 

The two human men thought that was a terrible type of relationship. All the boring parts of being with a ninjette with none of the fun. If they dated her, they’d have a sexless life since they were sure she’d have their balls if they ever got something on the side.

 

Shaggy 2 Dope found a diplomatic answer for the duo. “Ah, I don’t think it would be right hookin’ up with someone who ain’t a juggulette.”

 

Violent J nodded. “Yeah, we gotta keep it in the Family.”

 

“What?!” she screamed, “You can’t fuckin’ tern me down, I’m the fuckin’ Baroness! I’m betta than any fat ass juggulette! You will date me!”

 

The duo back away from the much taller woman yelling down at them.

 

“I think we need to think ‘bout this,” said Shaggy 2 Dope.

 

“Yeah, ain’t right gettin’ into things too fast!” added Violent J.

 

“TOO FAST?” screamed the enraged Baroness, “I HAVE WAITING MINNOW-ENI FOR SOME DECENT PALE ACTION!”

 

It looked like she was going to stab them, but instead she took a deep breath and huffed it out. “Whale, forget tryin’ to ‘splain things, I’ll just knock you out.”

 

She snapped her fingers and the two reluctant men collapsed on the spot with a loud thud.

 

When they woke up, they saw the entire room had been ransacked. Everything was in a huge clunky pile in the middle of the room and their bodies had been leaned against it. Between the old friends sat the mysterious witch who knocked them out. The two men, once they got their bearings, tried to get away from her but they found their wrists and ankles paralyzed by some invisible force.

 

“Don’t bother tryin’ to get free,” explained the Batterwitch, “You’ve been netted with psionics…I mean, miracles. Now, shut up and let me get to jammin’.”

 

She took a lock of burnt hair and looked at it sadly. “The thing is, ya know, the thing, I just can’t find a good hairdresser these days, I need one that won’t leak my horns to the public but I also need one that can actually do a beehouse without burnin’ the crap outta my hair. Is that too much to ask? And anyotter fin…”

 

Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J looked at each other’s eyes from across their captor’s lap. They thought one thing: bitches be crazy.


	6. Aranea/Kankri, G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Aranea♠Kankri
> 
> Remember the time Aranea kept giving Kankri rings, charms, necklaces, hair clips, earrings, etc. bearing the symbol of the Sufferer?

[ ](http://imgur.com/pb4E7jm)

[ ](http://imgur.com/G1A2PB7)


	7. Equius & Nepeta, G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Equius♦Nepeta
> 
> Remember Nepeta's dream bubble maid cafe in which all the maids were Equius from different timelines?

[](http://imgur.com/LvJZqZh)


	8. Eridan/Vriska, E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Eridan♠Vriska
> 
> Remember when Eridan cried after pailing Vriska for the first time? (In my defense, I run Cards Against Alternia and I need that card brought to life.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: nudity, implied sex, bodily fluids, shaming

[ ](http://imgur.com/sup2RbS)

[ ](http://imgur.com/jqtXzrp)

[ ](http://imgur.com/zf0t3HD)

[ ](http://imgur.com/cDtPnqh)


	9. Eridan<3<Vriska,T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Eridan♠Vriska
> 
> Neidbau (German): A building (often of little or no value to the proprietor) constructed with the sole purpose of harassing or inconveniencing his neighbor in some way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: anti-semitism  
> Also contains EridanFeferi

As Chairman of the Angel Island Community Board, Eridan Ampora ruled with a ring-lined fist. Whatever he said in board meetings became the law. All the definitions in the brick-sized guidebook were based on his exacting tastes in architecture, landscaping, pet-keeping, and beverages. Anyone who defied one of the island’s many rules could easily find themselves homeless among the lawless squatters that lived on the shores. Only a select few families could live on the island and they had to be vetted by the board after a long careful background check with Chairman Eridan Ampora having the final say.

 

So when the notorious Vriska “Marquise Mindfang” Serket wanted to retire to the island, she was immediately refused. The norte americana was just criminal who rose up from being a cheap moll to the Queen of Crime. She had a legitimate business selling playing cards and dice but it was all just a front for her numerous criminal operations: gambling, prostitution, murder-for-hire, even cigarette smuggling!  It was said she had personally killed eight men, including her two husbands, and ordered the death of dozens. While the law had recent caught up to her, the high-profile racketeering trial held in New York City came up Not Guilty to the surprise of all the media watchers. She had sold her legitimate business to come down south, but as a murderous, promiscuous criminal she was unacceptable to the decent community of Angel Island. Plus she was Jewish.

 

The Marquise did not file an appeal and everyone thought that was the end of that. They figured after living in New York City and Los Angeles living in the exurbs would be painfully dull and she’d find somewhere else in South America where an expatriate billionairess would be welcome. She could find somewhere else to build a house. However, the residents of Angel Island forgot to look at the tiny island right next to them.

 

The island didn’t have a name because it wasn’t really an island. It was just a sandbar that appeared during low tide. However, that was where the Marquise decided to live. First she built up the island with rocks, cement, and good old steel until it was almost two acres. On this land she built a gothic monstrosity that looked like a medieval castle as created by a theme park. The building had been constructed in just a week and it looked like it. It didn’t take up much footage but it was eight stories tall with towers even taller. It could easily be seen from its sister where all the buildings by law were under three stories. The panorama of the beautiful Atlantic Ocean afforded to the residents of Angel Island was ruined by the grey and red accented mass on the horizon.

 

The board sent protests while it was being built to the government but the slow inefficient government only replied weeks after it was built to say they could do nothing about it. The former sandbar wasn’t on any map or hadn’t ever been mentioned in an official description so it didn’t exist. The land reclamation wasn’t cleared by the government but at under three acres it didn’t need to be. The island was in open water and it belonged all to Vriska Serket.  

 

So Chairman Ampora was reduced to standing on the widow’s watch of his house and watching her and her house through binoculars. He was hoping she might do something, anything, that might justify calling the police. He was going to document her every move.

 

He didn’t notice when his wife Feferi Peixes y Ampora came behind him until she called his name.

 

“Eridan?” she asked.

 

He almost dropped his binoculars before he turned around. “What is it, Fef?” he growled in his strong German accent.

 

“I just came to talk to you,” she huffed.

 

“Did you find an loophole? An map with that accursed island on it?”

 

“No, I wasn’t looking for that. That law stuff is really your thing.”

 

He sighed. “Oh. Then what is it?”

 

 “I’m just asking you to stop watching that silly woman and swim inside before you get a sunburn!”

 

“Do you think I’m not prepared for that eventuality? I have already applied sunblock, I’ll have you know.”

 

“It’s still not healthy floating outside all day like this. Not for your body or mind! You need to swim inside and not worry aboat her.”

 

“Don’t be jealous, my wife, it’s not like you. I’m not watchin’ her because I’m a pervert.”

 

“Oh, you know I’m not jelly-fish,” Feferi laughed, “I don’t care if you think she’s sexy.”

 

Feferi was never jealous. Though she and Eridan counted themselves best friends they were not lovers. Their marriage was not a love match but an arrangement. They had an understanding that they would be free to do what they wanted. On her part, Feferi had never much cared for sex so she had never taken on any sex partners. Eridan had never been successful finding any partners other than prostitute he could never love. Jealousy, or at least sexual jealousy, had never come up.

 

“I don’t consider that hag “sexy”. I despise her face and her luscious body and I wish her evil life showed on her, but thanks to the false magic an plastic surgery I will always be denied that wish.”

 

“It’s still creepy watching her all the time. You’re making us look bad.”

 

“SHE’S making us look bad, with that ugly castle!”

 

“Then don’t look at it!”

 

“But it taunts me so! You know she did this just to spite me. In fact, I have a theory she applied to live in Angel Island knowing she’d be turned down!”

 

“Why?”

 

“She wanted to anger us locals with her flashy ways! She’s a twisted woman who wants revenge on her betters! That why she does everything she does. I know, I’ve looked into her psychology.”

 

“Maybe she just wanted to live on this nice peaceful island after all the stress of her old life?”

 

“Ha! She loved that life and she’d be livin’ it if the law wasn’t on her tail. If only she hadn’t chosen this island, but I guess our perfect eight kilometers was too hard to resist. Eight is her lucky number.”

 

“Wow, you really did your research,” Feferi said in a disgusted tone.

 

“You must know your enemy before you delete them.”

 

“Here’s an idea: if she just applied for residence for laughs, why don’t you beat her game and accept her? She’ll get bored and cast off after a while. Please AT LEAST consider this idea.”

 

“Really, Fef? Even if I decided to do that, which I won’t, I couldn’t. She is simply not acceptable in any way. Don’t you remember that she is a criminal?”

 

“Technically, she’s never been convicted and besides, she’s given up all her money-laundering businesses.”

 

“We still can’t have anyone with her dubious background.”

 

“WE’VE HAD NAZI LIVE HERE!”

 

“EX-Nazis and they were law-abiding.”

 

“They obeyed E-VIL laws! And speaking of another loophole, I read she’s only half-Jewish and it’s on her father’s side. Technically someone is only Jewish if they have a Jewish mother, that’s what I’ve read.”

 

Eridan smiled smugly. “Oh? So you’ve done your research on her too? Sorry, she’s still too Hebraic for our Gentile community.”

 

“It’s EEL-legal to discriminate in the first place!”

 

“Don’t talk to me about the law, Fef, unless you’ve found a loophole to destroy Serket, not lettin’ her inside our compound.”

 

“You’re the one who should be inside! You have work to do! Remember how you’re supposed to run my fishing business?”

 

“I’m just an figurehead. There’s not much I’m allowed to do. Runnin’ this community is my business.”

 

He turned around sharply and picked up his binoculars. After focusing them he saw something that made him gasp.

 

“The little slut!” he yelled, “She’s sunbathin’ – NUDE! Right where children with binoculars can see!”

 

He put down his binoculars and looked at the small table next to him.

 

“Fuck! Why didn’t I brin’ my camera! I need to record this. Fef, go get my camera! The one with the telescopic lens!”

 

“Go get it yourshelf, tunahead!” she yelled, “I’m not going to dive through your stuff when I have a tropical fish appreciators meeting and a mah-jong game to sail to!”

 

“Then go and leave me alone!” yelled Eridan.

 

“When I come back, you betta be inside, Señor Ampora!”

 

Eridan hmphed as Feferi left. He waited on the widow’s peak as she went downstairs and drove away. After she was gone he felt a tinge of regret that he had been so angry with her, but he figured he’d make it up to her somehow. Maybe with a new exotic fish?

 

With that thought gone, he picked up his binoculars and turned his attention back to the island. He was pleasantly surprised to find she was still sunbathing. Even if this didn’t damn her, he knew one day she would swim into his net.


	10. Damara/Rufioh, T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damara/Rufioh
> 
> Bakku-shan Japanese, a girl who appears pretty from behind, but not from the front.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: visible panties

[](http://imgur.com/vsZH150)


	11. Dave/Dirk, G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk/Dave
> 
> Prozvonit, (Czech), to call on a mobile phone only to have it ring once so that the other person would call back, allowing the caller not to spend money on minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major Tags: implied incestuous feelings  
> Rot13: cbffvoyr qrngu

Even though it was ridiculously uncool, Dave didn’t like it when his alternate universe Bro left him alone  
while he went away. Dave was still hurting from his version of Bro dying on him. It didn’t help that Dirk chose to go on the most suicidal adventures. At first, Dave blamed Dirk’s boyfriend Jake, though only secretly, he never said a word to him. However, eventually Dave realized the adventures were all Dirk’s idea and it was him dragging the self-styled adventurer along. That realization didn’t make Dave warm up to Jake. He somehow still felt annoyed at Jake for something.

Right now, the adventuring duo were out exploring the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone in the Ukraine. Dirk had a theory that the Condesce caused the Chernobyl Disaster. It wasn’t the only accident he blamed on her, both in his old universe and the new one they made after the game. He suspect she might still exist somewhere in the new universe. Rose found Dirk’s paranoia fascinating but it annoyed everyone else. Dave suspected Dirk was just looking for an excuse to explore. Ugly Soviet ruins weren’t exciting to Dave, but he really backed out, like he did every time, because he was scared. Immortality doesn’t protect you for pain, or from losing all your money and gear to the many thieves in that region.

So, instead Dave sat back at the apartment in Houston that he shared on paper with Dirk but these days not in fact. Dave was reading the eXile. He had heard of the Moscow underground paper before (but who hasn’t? he thought smugly) but he hadn’t read it until Dirk went on his post-Soviet expedition. He kept expecting Dirk to appear as a writer. His brother would make a great Gonzo writer but Dirk hadn’t shown any interest in a media career. He kept saying that was his big brother’s deal and hinted Dave should be the one with a media career. However, beta Dave hadn’t had much success yet.

Across the room, Dave’s cell phone rang. He had a premonition it was something important but Dave hesitated trying to decide if it would be awesome if he leapt across the room to answer or pathetic. By the time he decided he didn’t care, the phone stopped ringing. He sauntered over and checked the phone. The call was from Dirk. Why would he call all the way from the Ukraine just to give up immediately? Maybe he decided the call was frivolous? No, that wasn’t like Dirk. He wouldn’t change his plans like that. Could it be he just lost the connection? That was a more likely story. Dave went back to his web reading.

However, after ten minutes without a call back, paranoid thoughts started seeping into Dave’s head. What if Dirk hadn’t been disconnected but rather interrupted? What if some greasy Mafiya guy had captured his risk-taking older brother? Dave quickly speed-dialed Dirk before he realized if he called, he’d just end up reaching the said Mafiya guy. But it was a chance Dave had to take.

Right after the first ring, the person on the other side of the phone picked up. A calm voice answered, “Ahh, Dave, finally you called. It’s been ten minutes, right?”

Dave suppressed a relieved sigh. “Actually, eleven and a half minutes. Why’d you call and leave me hanging?”

“That was just a little scheme to get out of paying for overseas minutes. The Czech call it prozvonit.”

“Thanks for the language lesson, but couldn’t you just translate it to ‘dicking around with someone just to avoid paying a few bucks’?”

“Overseas minutes are more than a few bucks. I have to be careful with my finances. There are a lot of people I need to convince using them.”

“Careful? I was – “ Dave went silent.

“The word you are looking for is scared or one of the many synonyms for being full of fear.”

“If this is AR, your prediction software is fucked up. I was going to say annoyed or one of the many synonyms for being dicked around by a cheapskate.”

“Auto-responder is long dead along with every other alternate version of myself. There is only one Dirk Strider, for better or worse. This Strider happens to be adept at detecting the tremor in your voice.”

“I did not stutter at all. Did you really hear a stutter? I have not once stuttered in my life.”

“Hmm, I have recorded a few stutters from you. I’ll play them back when I can.”

“Eew. Creepy. Did you just call to gloat about your invasion of my privacy? Are you recording this conversation to? Has a shirtless Putin tempted you with his old man pecs to join the SVR?”

“Disregarding your homoerotic comments, I simply called for some brotherly time. I miss you.”

Dave was again caught speechless.

“Dave?” Dirk asked.

“I miss you too,” Dave said quickly, “But I got to go.”

“But Dave, I want to say I have always – “

Dave ended the call. Why did he have to be such a coward?

He never found out what Dirk was going to say.


	12. Aranea/Kankri, G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kankri/Aranea
> 
> Pilkunnussija (Finnish): "A person who believes it is their destiny to stamp out all spelling and punctuation mistakes at the cost of popularity, self-esteem and mental well-being."

[ ](http://imgur.com/Y3n6ooG)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bonus: Eye-sore background version

[ ](http://imgur.com/mzxQHOh)


	13. Gamzee<3Roxy, E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxy<3Gamzee
> 
> The AU where Roxy gets attacked by zombies, but seeks refuge in a sex shop with a juggalo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: zombies, alcohol, marijuana, sex under the influence, implied death, urination

Roxy thought she prepared for the zombie apocalypse. Not only did she spend so much time training, she sopped up her house to be a fortress. However, when the Crocker Corp finally did fuck up the world by Tampering in God’s Domain, Roxy’s fortress was destroyed in a gas main break. Luckily, Roxy managed to escape with a backpack of supplies, including a bottle of “disinfectant/Molotov cocktail formula”, along with her trusty rifle on her back. She walked over the city trying to scout out a building she could hide out in. However, that was hard to find. While running through an insufferably fashionable neighborhood, she saw a group of zombies. She ducked down a stairway under a stoop. In the stairwell was a door. She didn’t know if it was to an apartment or a store but she needed to get in and she didn’t have time to pick the lock. She tested the knob and it turned. Taking her almost-empty rifle off her back, she burst into the dark room lit only by an electric lantern on a sales counter.  
  
A bell rang and a lilting slightly-effeminate male voice called out from under the counter, “Hey, motherfucker, let me just get up and serve you…” When the owner of the voice rose up from behind the counter, he saw Roxy and her rifle and let out a honk before raising his hands in surrender. “This bitch be a stick-up? Take everything, pretty human lady!”  
  
Roxy examined the troll. His face was painted with clown makeup, marking him as a devotee of the Cult of the Mirthful Messiahs, a powerful highblood church. He had impressive and sharp looking horns. He belonged to a species out to take over the Earth. This should have made him a threat but he was so skinny and short (for a troll) she wasn’t afraid at all. She was more afraid for the poor dope.   
  
She put the rifle back on her back and locked the door before answering. “I just need shelter, I’m not here to loot anything.”  
  
The troll cocked his head while keeping his arms up. “Shelter from what?”  
  
“Umm, you do know there’s like a fuckton of zombies just outside?”  
  
“Oh? Didn’t know there be the dead that ain’t quite dead round this bitchin’ planet,” he said as if she’d pointed out there was a rare bird outside.  
  
“Yes!! It’s a world-wide plague! Our civvies have crashed! How do you not know this?”  
  
“I ain’t listenin’ to no news box. That noise is wicked depressin’.”  
  
“You don’t know what’s happening outside?”   
  
“Haven’t gotten myself outta this toy box in three days. Been waitin’ for my boss.”  
  
Roxy wondered if his stupidity was part of a huge troll cover-up or if it was just honestly stupidity. She was too tired to care.  
  
“Put your hands down already, dude,” she said.  
  
He did so with a relieved sigh that sounded like a honk.  
  
She asked, “So where is your boss?”  
  
“If I had that knowledge, I wouldn’t have to be gettin’ my wait on, would I?”  
  
“Where was he the last you heard from him?”  
  
“The ol’ goat was runnin’ his ass out the toy box sayin’ he needed to get to his human hive and I should sit tight. Saw and heard that three days ago.”  
  
“And you’ve stayed in this store for three days?”  
  
“’snot hard. I can get my sleep on anywhere. Food ain’t a prob, lotta eatin’s in the fridge, most of it the boss’s but I figure he’ll give me some forgives in exchange.” He sighed. “Forgives or not, hope he does come back. I love him like a lusus, that’s a beastie troll parent ‘case you don’t know.”  
  
Roxy didn’t know what to say to this love confession for a man who was likely long dead or worse, undead. Instead, she changed the subject.  
  
“So, this is toy store? What’s it like working with all those lil rugrats under foot?” she asked as if most of the world’s children weren’t dead.  
  
“Oh, we don’t allow no minor motherfuckers in here.”  
  
“Huh? Why not?”  
  
He spread his arms to show the store. “Cause these motherfuckin’ toys ain’t the kiddie kind.”  
  
She looked around for the first time and though the room was barely lit she could still recognize a few objects. She finally realized she was in a sex toy store. She stepped back a little and held her hands in front of her.  
  
“Whooa, someone pinch me, this sounds like one fucked-up wet dream.”  
  
He perked up. “I can? You sure do have a pinchable lookin’ bod.”  
  
She laughed. “Do you flirt with your customers too?”  
  
“When the boss ain’t hearin’, yeah.”  
  
“So, if we’re getting casual, what do people call you?”  
  
“Motherfuckers like to call me ‘idiot juggalo’, but I prefer Gamzee.”  
  
“My name is Roxy.”  
  
“Wicked name, sis. I think the ol’ goat will like you.”  
  
“I think…” She turned somber. “I’ll wait with you for your boss.”  
  
“Bitchtits! I ain’t partial to be on my own lonesome, been doing that too much of late.”  
  
“But just for one night!” she added.  
  
Gamzee looked disappointed but he just shrugged. “Okay, I understand.”  
  
She put down her backpack. “First we have to fortify this place better. It’s a miracle you haven’t had your brains eaten yet.”  
  
“Miracles,” said Gamzee with the same look Roxy got when she heard the words “open bar”.  
  
“Wait, need to ask…have you been bitten by anyone or anything?”  
  
He frowned and her heart skipped a beat until he said, “Not since I broke up with my sour spade.”  
  
“That’s a relief! Not you breaking up with your trollfriend, I mean you not being infected. Come on, I’ve got a nailgun in my backpack, let’s nail some shit.”  
  
They spent the next two hours fortifying the store. Luckily, there were tools in the back room so Gamzee could do some hammering himself. He could really swing a hammer.   
  
An hour later, they were done. They decided to rest on Gamzee’s cot behind the counter.   
  
“I fig you’re more of a 420 guy,” she said, “But do you also drink?”  
  
“I’m mostly into the magical weed but I also kick back the lesser elixirs.”  
  
She opened her bag and took out a big glass bottle 2/3rds full. “Super, cause I got a bottle of vodka that needs splitting.”  
  
“I can help you with that, sis.”  
  
“Are there cup in the back room?” She opened the bottle and took a swig. “Ahh, fuck it, we don’t need them.”  
  
She passed the bottle to Gamzee and he took a swig.   
  
“What flavor they conjure this with?” he asked after he had tasted it.  
  
“Marshmallow. Which is weird because marshmallow isn’t a flavor, it’s just a way of eating sugar.”  
  
“Hey, if red fruit or rye can be a flavor, any motherfuckin’ thing goes!”  
  
They laughed at that. He passed the bottle of vodka back to her and she took a swig.  
  
“You got any smokes to go with this? ‘bacco or weed, doesn’t matter.”  
  
He pulled out a bag with a little brown roll. “This motherfucker’s the only survivor.”  
  
“That’s enough. I’ve never been able to take more than one joint before getting antsy.”  
  
“But I ain’t got a roach clip. That’s how that roach’s lived three days.”  
  
She looked through her bag. “Actually, I think I got some tweezers in here.”  
  
He looked impressive. “You be the head pothead! You grabbed enough to party!”   
  
“Not really,” she said, “It’s a standard part of every good medical kit. For splinters and ticks, not for nausea and glaucoma.”  
  
Indeed, she had tweezers. He of course had a lighter.  
  
“Do we have to disable the fire alarm?”  
  
“Ain’t been abled in months.”  
  
“That’s not really great…but whatev, we can replace the batteries later. Smoking first.”  
  
He put the roach in his mouth with the tweezers, she lite it, and he took a puff before passing it to her. They did this until the roach was too small even for tweezers and then they washed down the smoke with more vodka.  
  
“Ya know…” he said when the vodka was almost gone, “there’s a joke about a bottle of vodka, hell, probably a fuckton of jokes about that, in the whole universe, but this here be just one. There was three motherfuckers in a lifeboat: a human, a troll, and a Russian – “  
  
Even high and drunk, Roxy had enough sense to ask, “Wait, what speshies is the Rossian if he isn’t humam or even trogg?”   
  
“Who cares? He can be any species he’s wantin’ or any gender for that matter. Anyways, a miracle fairy drops in its ass and proclaims out, ‘I’m the motherfuckin’ miracle fairy, representin’ miracles, and I’m gonna give you motherfuckers two and only two wishes each.’ The troll pushes first cause we be pushy and says, ‘I want all my platonic enemies to be vanquished…oh, and I wanna be back on land cause I’m not a swimmin’ troll.’ That motherfucker gets them wishes. Our human bro or sis goes ‘I want a thousand babies born of my flesh…oh, and back on land too.’ Again, same as last verse. Finally, the Russian gets up on their turn and they’ve been doin’ some serious brain work while the rest were shooting off. They says, ‘I want a bottle of the finest vodka in the world…and those other two motherfuckers back.’”  
  
They laughed uproariously. His laughter sounded like honking.  
  
“Funny thing is,” he said when they had calmed down a little, “I’d take myself the same wish as the Russian.”  
  
“But…couldn’t you just hook up with the other fockers on land if you wanted to par-tay?”  
  
“It’s more fun drinking on the wicked sea. Besides, we’d get saved sometime, right? Whole motherfucker oceans filled with ships.”  
  
Roxy was too high and drunk to be cynical even in her head. “Plus, wodka!” she cried as she lifted the bottle.  
  
She added, “Now as fer me, I’d axe for only one babby – a dote-her. I’d give her a thous pwnies and pretty princest dolls and shit. But I would axe fer a mil babby-mackings withouttie the babbys.”  
  
When they were out of vodka and marijuana, Roxy started thinking of other ideas of what they could do. She hadn’t been lying when she said being in a sex toy shop was like a dream come true. However, Gamzee was an odd character in this dream. Despite her constant flirting, she did have standards and her list of sex partners wasn’t that long (as in, under ten people). Spending most her life pinning over a gay boy had hindered her love life. Normally, Gamzee wouldn’t be on that list. He was hella ugly, even for a troll, and for that matter, he was a troll and thus the enemy. However, she felt comfortable with him. She wasn’t worried about any sick xeno junk since she had done her research on the enemy (for SCIENCE) and found they didn’t have tentacles but instead they had penises and testicles (all of them). He couldn’t get her pregnant or diseased and that was a plus. Her standards were lowered by the End of the World.  
  
“Hey,” she said, breaking the comfortable silence, “Maybe you could halp this cusstomer out and let me have a spin with the merchandise. We can play twos-get-her, right?”  
  
He grinned. “That sounds like a bitchtit idea!”  
  
So Roxy ended up on her back, completely naked, with a huge variety of vibrators and dildos around her. She had been afraid the troll would be freaked out or disgusted by her human hair but he didn’t make a honk. As for him, he remained clothed and she didn’t care. The sales associate was still dexterous enough to load the batteries. Sadly, they couldn’t use the nifty plug-in vibrators. He first started on her neck, massaging her with the “neck massagers” and slowly, so slowly, going downwards. She kept begging him to go quicker but he kept telling her, ‘Human sis, we gots our-motherfuckin’-selves all night, ‘member?’ Finally, so finally, he got down to her core and she actually purred while he chuckled. She soon had an orgasm but she wanted more. They tried out various strange insertable vibrators. There was one with little cat-like spikes that was strangely pleasurable but she couldn’t deal with it long. She didn’t want to come again too soon since even with no refractory period there was only so much her girly bits could take before getting sore and sensitive. Despite her worries about soreness, she did try to take the biggest dildo the store stocked, but they failed to even get the head in. Gamzee kept pleading that they should wait for a miracle to make it fit but Roxy threatened to kill him if he tried jamming it in. They went with dildo that was above-average but not above-record. She felt so full and she felt fuller when he added an anal dildo lubricated by her own accumulated juices from more than an hour of play. Apparently he wanted some of that juice for himself because he suddenly took out the vaginal dildo and went down on her. His human partner was shocked because she had heard oral sex was incredibly taboo among trolls, but then again everything but frottage was taboo with them. She wasn’t going to bring up this taboo. She was too busy yelling ‘jegus yeah!’.   
  
Finally, after holding it back, she came for the second time that night with a long scream. Soreness set in afterwards and she had to push her partner’s hairy head.  
  
“That’s enough, big boy,” she purred.  
  
He got up and wiped his face, smearing his makeup more. Her eyes went down to the “big boys” crotch. He had a tent in his pants, not very large since his species wasn’t built that way, but still significant.   
  
“Oh, I fergot you, you wanna hand?” she asked.  
  
“It’s no big deal,” he said, though he was panting with arousal, “Besides, we ain’t got ourselves a motherfuckin’ bucket here.”  
  
“Shure I saw a fucket in the back room.”  
  
He crunched his face in thought for too long.  
  
“Gamz?” she finally asked.  
  
He looked back at her. “You up and ready to see my alien junk?”  
  
“I know it’s not a ten-tackle, dude, not that I’d give a sheets if it was.”  
  
“Motherfuckers never like the size. Either too big or too small.”  
  
“I said, I have no thous sheets! Get a fucket, fooker!”  
  
He sprung up, grabbed the flashlight, and ran as best he could drunk and erect. She was too stiff herself to help him. He came back, got on his knees, and put the bucket in front of him. Thankfully, he wasn’t wearing anything with a zipper so she could just pull his pants down. His troll junk looked around five inches long and she scoffed at the shallow fuckers who rejected him. He had a nice curve to him. If she wasn’t tired and stretch-out, she would jump him. Instead, she gave him her hand. He didn’t last long and he came with a honk and a shiver.  
  
“You are a miracle worker,” he said when he had tucked himself back in, “Coaxin’ out that beautiful purple.”  
  
“That’s what all the boyos say,” she replied with a grin.   
  
“Just one more thing…” He pointed to his cheek. “Could you give a peck for this silly clown?”  
  
She did more than that. She pushed the bucket away and seriously macked on him. He tasted like booze and pot and makeup and well, herself but she didn’t care. However, after a minute, she pulled away.  
  
“What’s wrong?”  
  
“I serially need to piss.”  
  
“Want me to help you amble on over to the load gapper?”  
  
“I need the bucket – now.”  
  
So instead, she pissed into the bucket.   
  
“I like seein’ that,” he said.  
  
“Pervy troll.”  
  
She pushed the bucket away for cleanup later.  
  
He said, “Fact, I like every motherfuckin’ thing about you.”  
  
“Dittoes.”  
  
“Are we in this plague called friendship?”  
  
“Course!” said she as she passed out.  
  
He turned her to her side and got behind her to spoon and that’s how they spent the rest of the night. The next morning, they left the sex shop for a much better hideout. Their friendship lasted for the rest of their lives.  
  
However, that didn’t mean much.


	14. Equius♥Tavros, E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Equius♥Tavros
> 
> Hemospectrum flip AU where Equius is right near the bottom of the social heap and Tavros is near the top

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mentioned underage sex, mentioned debilitating accident, mentioned mind control, amputation, ableism, (tentacle-free) xeno, D/s, caste-play

Tavros Nitram had been destined for a great life the day he hatched. When the Brood Maidens rolled for his Sign and Surname and found they were the same as the Great Liberator’s, they immediately brought the grub to the High Council. The President of the High Council hand-picked a council of trolls to raise the wriggler along with his animal lusus, a bullfairy. Many on the council wanted him to have a dragon but the President overrode them, pointing out the first Nitram began life with such a lusus before being adopted by Pyralsprite. A great palace was built for him in the trees and though it was in the forest where the Great Liberator grew up, there were amenities never available to the so-called lowblood. In the many schoolfeeding huts on the branches of the trees, Tavros was taught everything a well-versed warmblood should know. He learned how to read from “The New Revised Revelations of the Sufferist” and “Gangsta: the Autobiography of Rufioh Nitram”. He was not only taught how to fight but how to fight using the wit by studying the tactics and strategy of the finest cavalreaper captain. He was drilled on rhythm games. His summoning powers was developed to the highest level. His creativity was channeled through slam poetry and roleplaying. He was even taught how to fly with a glider in preparation for his expected wing-growth. This was the education plan created by the highest experts in their fields.

 

Above all, he was taught that warmbloods are better than coldbloods. The coldbloods may have ruled trollkind for millennia, but those were barbaric times filled with meaningless violence and a superstitious hate of science. Then, the warmbloods, led by Tavros’ ancestor and inspired by the teachings of another mutant, overthrew the coldbloods. The Summoner managed to kill the Empress’ lusus by slowing its heartbeat till it died. From then on trolldom was ruled not by an unelected empress but by a president elected by all castes – though the coldbloods needed special permission. Though they weren’t an empire anymore, trolls still took it upon themselves to spread to other planets for the good of the universe. The coldbloods were clever enough to figure out how to travel at the speed of light without permanently embedding a poor troll in a crude setup at the bottom of a spaceship (it was laughably how easy the solution turned out to be). Troll civilization had thrived thanks to the so-called lowbloods and it would continue to thrive as long as the so-called highbloods kept to their place.

 

People started saying Tavros had a place as the President of the Alternian Republic even before he could say the word “president”. After all, he was the genetic double of the first president. They placed all their expectations on him. It was all very overwhelming to him. If asked if he wanted to be president, he would say yes, but he said yes to every career people suggested to him. He couldn’t decide which one but he knew he didn’t want to be president.

 

He was surrounded by people but he was still lonely. Mostly he was surrounded by adults. When he was deemed old enough, the council appointed him some wriggler friends. Virtually all of them were insincere sycophants. Nepeta was an exception. She was also a Descendant of a great troll, but she had been discovered late after spending many undocumented sweeps in a cave and so was unspoiled. Gamzee was his favorite out of all his friends, but he’d been a slip-up in security. When the council found out he was not just a sopor addict but the Descendant of the last Grand Highblood, he was forbidden any contact with Tavros. For all the work the council did to make sure his friends were the most appropriate companions possible, they made a huge mistake with Vriska Serket.

 

She had probably only been approved because she was the Descendant of the Great Liberator’s matesprit. It certainly wasn’t because of her manners. She smoked contraband cigarettes and drank soda and used real cursewords instead of the approved minced oaths. She was always flying into hissy fits or declaring everything boring. When she was bored, she did horrible things. It was during one of those bored periods that she wrecked Tavros’ life when he was only seven sweeps. They were playing a game when he decided he didn’t want to play anymore. She grew angry at him so she used her cerulean powers to make him jump off the ledge onto the forest floor. He survived the fall, but only to be totally paralyzed from the waist down.

 

While the culling of the disabled wasn’t as widely used as it was in more barbaric times, disability was still looked down upon. It didn’t help that Tavros had also damaged the gland that would have helped him produce his wings. Though nobody came out and said it, it was assumed he was no longer in the running for president. He certainly could never have a matesprit or kismesis. His line would end with him. As for Vriska, though her crime was serious, she could not be executed. Instead, the troll judge took her seven eyes and her left arm. She ran away and became a space pirate while occasionally managing to send Tavros insults, threats, half-apologies, and even flirts despite all the blocks.

 

Tavros shied away from everyone after that. When he was eight sweeps old and thus an adult, he managed to convince the council to let him live on his own island. On this island, he created a wildlife preserve where he bred endangered species. He found what he had been wanting to do all his life. Other people would say it was a shame he couldn’t be doing something important instead of playing around with animals but animals were important. Still, he was lonely despite all the animal companionship.

 

It was Nepeta who helped him break out of his shell. While she was too busy herself working as a matchmaking priestess, she did visit him. On one of those visits, in between bemoaning the lack of cats in the menagerie, she suggested he upgrade from a hover chair to robot legs. He had thought it impossible since he had been paralyzed so high up to replace that half of his body. However, she said she knew a troll who could do it. Even though he was an indigo blood, one of the coldest of the cold, he was a robotics genius. He was her moirail but it was a secret since the Church didn’t approve of her fraternizing with him since he was the Descendent of the Sufferist’s murderer. She thought that was unfair especially since his Ancestor did later save her Ancestor. Despite the risk of betraying her relationship to him, she still offered to hook them up. Tavros decided that his hover chair did have many disadvantages so he took her up on her offer.

 

She returned to the mainland and a week later, he got a message from the oddly named centaurTesticles. He turned out to be Equius Zahhak, Nepeta’s coldblood moirail. After some serious discussion of prices, Tavros arranged to have Equius flown to his island for an examination. The first time Tavros ever saw Equius was when he stepped off the plane. Nepeta had not described him and Tavros had not exchanged pictures of him. Even though Tavros knew coldbloods tended to be larger and more muscular, he was surprised at how large and muscular he was. He supposed he had expected Equius to look like a warmblood since he had a warmblood occupation. His muscles showed since he wore a tight tank top and shorts. He looked rough with his broken horn and missing teeth and scars and Tavros was both afraid of him and pitied the hard life he must had led to get such wounds. He was wet with sweat when Tavros first saw him though Tavros thought nothing of it since they were in the tropic. Later he realized Equius didn’t sweat from the heat. His hair however was very nice.

 

After Tavros got his hand wet with Equius, they went inside and had awkward conversation. Equius’ voice wasn’t booming like Tavros thought it would be but rather was a strong whisper. His speech was filled with the same fawning admiration as everyone else’s speech towards him. Finally, they got to the examination. Though Tavros had to undress for many medics after his accident, he still felt nervous undressing in front of Equius. Equius was business-like about the whole matter. It was only after Tavros got dressed, when they were discussing the specifications, that the matter got really awkward.

 

“About the pelvic region,” Equius started, “Is there a certain specification you want?”

 

Tavros knew what he meant but still said, “Uhh…”

 

“I mean, oh dear, this humid air.” He took out a big towel and continued. “I mean, in terms of your genitals?”

 

“Gee, that is something that I have never thought about,” Tavros said and it was the truth, “I wasn’t sure I could have genitals, or that I could use them.”

 

Equius’ pride overcame his embarrassment and he declared, “I am capable of making a fully-functional and fully-sensitive bone bulge.”

 

“And a nook?” Tavros asked before he could stop himself.

 

Equius hung his head. “Sadly, creating such an orifice is beyond my abilities…that is if you want it to have any sensation.” He lifted his head. “But you would be fine with a bone bulge, right?”

 

“Actually…I don’t think I need any genitals, since I don’t have anyone I can use them with, and I don’t plan to in the future, since it’s unlikely anyone would want to be tied to me, since I can’t help them during breeding time.”

 

Though one of the first acts of the Republic was to remove the death penalty for people who failed to produce pails, non-submission came with a hefty tax and societal shame. Tavros had never been asked to pay the tax, but his partners wouldn’t likely be that lucky.

 

“I understand.” And the conversation on that ended.

 

Equius flew out the same night to the mainland. A week later, he came back with the robot legs and two medics. Tavros was injected with sopor slime concentrate and when he woke up, he had new legs. The operation went without a hitch. The medic flew out by Equius stayed a couple nights to help Tavros adjust to his new limbs. As Equius taught him about the robotics, Tavros taught him about his zoological work. Equius was impressed and unlike many people it seemed genuine. The warmblood appreciated that more than his endless talk about how exquisite his blood was and how heroic his Ancestor was. Equius was polite to a fault, but Tavros noticed he picked over his food.

 

Equius flew back to the mainland and Tavros went again back to his work. The work was easier now that he had better mobility. However, his new legs could not prevent one of his rainbow octoped hoofbeast from breaking a leg. He contacted Equius and was pleased his advice wasn’t to cull her like so many other people told him. The robotic expert came to the island and healed the beast by replacing her leg with a robotic one. Tavros was so grateful towards him but Equius said it was in service of a glorious fauna.

 

Though Equius went back soon afterwards, Tavros kept finding new robotic projects for him. The preserve used a lot of drones for its upkeep and Tavros was finding himself dissatisfied with them. He commissioned Equius to build him new robotic drones. The robot builder flew in personally to deliver them and teach the new owner how to use them before flying back. The new robot helpers were a success, but Tavros thought there were many other things that could be automated. Equius kept going to and from the island he had no time for his other freelance work. Tavros suggested Equius drop the freelance work and live permanently with him on the island as a mechanic and handyman. Equius took the job. A hut was added to the Nitram complex to hive him, though the servant spent much of his time in the main hive.

 

Now that Equius was living with Tavros, Tavros found out why Equius picked at his food. The fellow animal lover was something called a vegetarian and so he eschewed meat and any product from a dead animal. Tavros hadn’t known trolls could live without meat but the vegetarian was certainly healthy. He decided to become a vegetarian too with Equius’ help.

 

Along with meat, he found out his new servant didn’t like games. Equius muttered they were a waste of time as he watched Tavros play a rhythm video game. Tavros told him video games were an important part of troll culture and scolded him for saying otherwise but secretly he was happy the coldblood had said something disapproving of him. It showed he was relaxing. However, the coldblood backed down immediately and apologized.

 

Equius was fast becoming more than just a servant to Tavros. The hermit now had troll companionship. Tavros didn’t feel as sad anymore that his quadrants were empty. He did feel sometimes he was over-stepping Nepeta’s role but when she visited and he saw her together with Equius, he knew what they had was moirallgeniance and he and Equius didn’t. They touched each other differently. When Nepeta pounced Equius, he went limp. When Tavros brushed against Equius, Equius would stiffen and Tavros had to admit his own heart beat faster. They considered themselves friends.

 

Like most trolls, Equius had a matesprit and a kismesis already. They were both fellow indigobloods like him. Equius sometimes slipped up and talked about them to Tavros before saying the warmblood wouldn’t be interested in the petty affairs of coldbloods. Tavros didn’t want to hear about Equius’ quadrants but it wasn’t for the reason he gave. He was perfectly okay with hearing a little gossip, just not about those people. They weren’t allowed on the island. When mating time came, Equius would take leave of the island temporarily and Tavros wasn’t looking forward to that week.

 

It was close to that time when Tavros was passing under an umbrella by Equius’ private hut. At first he thought his friend was making noises of pain and was going to knock to see what was wrong but when he got to the door, it came upon him those were the sounds of masturbation. Tavros blushed brown but stayed by the hut even though the sun was out. He heard the sound of liquid hitting a metal pail and he let out a deep breath. In Tavros’ mind there was nothing wrong with masturbation. It was to be expected Equius would have extra energy as mating time came up and he didn’t have a partner available to expend it on. There would still be genetic material left for the pails to the Mother Grub.

 

Equius’ masturbation made Tavros want to take up that hobby. He attempted to reach orgasm just with his upper body but the experience was too frustrating to him. Perhaps despite his lack of partner, it would be a worthy investment to get genitals. He just really wanted to feel again what Equius felt that day. He also needed to sound-proof Equius’ hut.

 

Two nights later, Tavros managed to bring up the bone bulge issue after the sound-proofing issue as if the issues were non-sequitors. Equius’ breath increased but he managed to remain business-like. He did not ask on who Tavros intended to use this new body part. Instead he took Tavros to his drafting table and asked him what his specifications were. Despite size not mattering, he couldn’t help but make his bulge above-average. He told himself it was just the size his bulge would be if he’d finished puberty and it wasn’t like he was making it monstrously huge. The bone bulge would be permanently hard but it wouldn’t come out until the owner consciously willed it out. It would retreat when the owner consciously retreated it or when an orgasm had been detected in the brain. There would be no ejaculation, but Tavros didn’t need the mess.

 

With these plans, Equius sent out for a special plastic. With those flakes, he created a dildo. Medics were sent for even though it was very embarrassing since the surgery required brain work. This time, after the surgery, the creator did not spend a long time teaching Tavros how to use his new addition and instead immediately retreated to his hive. That was fine with Tavros. He quickly figured it out on his own after excusing himself to practice. His first orgasm in a long time came quick and blew him away. He had to stumble his way back to thank the medics and see them off.

 

For the next few days, Tavros spent a lot of playing with his new addition. Since he had no refractory period, he could orgasm over and over, though it did burn out his energy. Yet after a week, he grew bored with his new power. He just felt lonely afterwards. He was also uncomfortable with the flashes of fantasy he had each time. The bone bulge benefactor’s sweaty body kept appearing in his mind. He knew he shouldn’t desire a body like Equius’. His body was entirely too tall, too bulky, and just altogether too coldblood for a warmblood like Tavros. Yet that was what he desired instead of a lean wiry body. Tavros stopped masturbating as if that would reprogram his body.          

 

He couldn’t keep away from Equius. They worked side-by-side and Tavros could smell the sweat that should have disgusted him. The servant spent his downtime in Tavros’ hive instead of his own. Tavros couldn’t push him away.

 

Equius left for breeding time. Tavros hoped that his void would take him out of his thoughts but instead his mind was more on Equius. When Equius came back, Tavros was thrilled until he noticed how melancholic Equius was. When they watched Equius’ favorite movies together, he was distracted and distant. Tavros supposed it could be because he missed his matesprit and kismesis, but he’d never been this mournful.

 

In the middle of “Galactic Velvet”*, Tavros paused the movie and turned on the couch to Equius.

 

“Equius,” he said, “Is everything okay? The mood you are in, doesn’t seem very good.”

 

“Sir, I apologize for disturbing you with my mood.”

 

“No, I’m not angry at you, for being sad. Instead, I am curious.”

 

“It is nothing a warmblood like you should be worried about. It is only the romantic problems of two lowly indigobloods.”

 

“Oh, yeah, I told you not to talk about your romantic life, so you shouldn’t talk about your romantic life.”

 

“Indeed, I hope it will never come up again.”

 

Tavros unpaused the movie only to repause it a few seconds later.

 

“But, if it’s so serious, that it’s putting you in a mood, it’s something that should be talked about?”

 

“I don’t think it’s serious at all.”

 

“I think, I might like to decide that?”

 

Equius wiped his brow, “Are you ordering me to discuss such matter?”

 

Tavros paused himself. “…yes, I am.”

 

“You have changed your previous orders?”

 

Tavros growled, “Yes, that is indeed what I am doing, in this situation.”

 

Equius took a deep breath. “I am having problems with my matesprit…” He buried his head in his towel. “Of the…sexual…nature.”

 

“Oh…we shouldn’t talk about that.”

 

Tavros unpaused the movie. Five minutes later he repaused.

 

“Are you, uhh, unable to have sex?” Tavros asked in a strangely hopeful tone.

 

“We performed our duty to the Republic!” Equius bellowed.

 

“Sorry for suggesting otherwise!” cried Tavros.

 

“And I’m sorry for yelling at you, sir!” Equius continued in a whisper. “However, during our time…later…away from the drones and their exquisite pheromones…I’m sorry, you wouldn’t know of such things…but anyway, I found myself not moved by her. Her blood…is wrong.”

 

“I’m confused, since she has the same blood as you.”

 

“Yes, I should be satisfied with a partner of my own caste…and yet…I want someone warmer…much warmer.”

 

“I suppose, it is nice having a partner, who is warm to touch,” Tavros said, though his mind was on how wonderfully thrilling it was to feel ice on his skin.

 

“If it were only a matter of body temperature, I’m certain I could find a solution. However…there is something about someone higher than you.”

 

“I think I get it, since you like to be commanded, that you like to be commanded, in bed.”

 

Equius buried his head in his towel. “Oh, if only it were that, I could easily find a commanding warmblood willing to debase me! But no…it is exactly the reverse.”

 

“You want to, uhh, command, a warmblood?”

 

Equius threw himself to the other side of the couch. “Not that I’m at all a coldblood reactionary, I have always been a proud citizen of the Republic and I will die one, by golly!”

 

“Don’t worry, I know.”

 

“And though I do not wish to start a revolt against the warmbloods, I would like…for a short period of time…in the confines of my respiteblock…to command them to do what I want…sexually.”

 

Tavros buried his head. “I think, I understand.”

 

“It would make sense to you, since you were raised to command…however, for me, a coldblood, I should be programmed by the Republic to…”

 

“No, actually, I meant, I want to be commanded. Even though I was programmed, as you say, to command, but I think I was programmed too much, and I got filled up so much, it went to being commanded?”

 

Equius shook his head. “That isn’t how programming works.”

 

“Whether it makes sense or not, I think it’s a good thing, we are programmed this way, since maybe, together…try it out together.”

 

Tavros was expecting a rejection from Equius. There were so many reasons for him to object. Instead…

 

“If you say so, sir,” Equius answered with barely controlled glee.

 

“Oh, wow, I’m so glad you said yes! Uhh, but, I have a few rules, you must follow, before you give me rules.”

 

“Rules are excellent.”

 

“I don’t want you to pee, or poop, or vomit, or anything gross like that, on me. But genetic material is fine, actually, more than fine. And, while you can call me ‘lowblood’, and call yourself ‘highblood’, don’t trash-talk my Ancestor, because I still really like him.”

 

“Oh, I would never say a word against your Ancestor…and yet I can say words against you?”

 

“I mean, within limit. Don’t call me lame, or gimp, or anything about my disability. But you can call me servant, or servant, and also lowblood. That’s fine. Uhh, are you still with me?”

 

“Yes sir!”

 

“And, if I’m not with you, I’ll say ‘Please in the name of the Great Liberator stop!’”

 

“That is a sensible phrase to use. When do we start?”

 

“Let’s first go into my respiteblock, which we will call your respiteblock, since that is more commanding.”

 

They went forthwith to Tavros’ respiteblock, totally forgetting the movie on pause. His room had a bed instead of a recuperacoon since those had gone out-of-fashion centuries ago when the Gl’bgolyb exited their world. Equius put one of his many towels down on the edge and sat down. Tavros stood in front of him.

 

“Uhh, you can start now?” he said.

 

Equius bowed his head and took three strong breaths before raising his head. He clapped his hands.

 

“Slave!” he bellowed, “Undress for me!”

 

Tavros went so quick to pull off his short-sleeved coat he got his arms stuck. Luckily he freed himself so he could unsnap his t-shirt. The unnecessary pants he wore over his robot legs were harder to get off over the metal but he managed like he did every day. Uncharacteristically, he threw his clothes in a corner. Equius did not order his slave to clean that up. Instead, he looked Tavros up and down. He gave an improving hum.

 

“Turn your body around for me,” Equius said, “Let me see your back.”

 

Tavros was self-conscious of his back. His back had scars from the fall and from the incomplete growth of his wings. However, he had to obey. He turned around and was glad to hear Equius give another approving hum.

 

“Turn around,” he said, “And show me the exquisite bone bulge I made for you.”

 

Tavros turned around again. He closed his eyes and concentrated and the plastic phallus slowly came out of its compartment. Equius took his shades off and looked at it like he hadn’t already seen it before.

 

“Such a lovely bronze – I mean, rust color,” Equius said.

 

At this point, it wasn’t just Tavros’ phallus that was brown. He was blushing all over.

 

Equius wiped his brow. “Yes…this slave will do. Undress me, slave…shoes and socks first.”

 

Tavros walked up to Equius. Even sitting the coldblood was tall. The slave kneeled down before his master and untied his cleats (it was hard because the knots were so STRONG) and took them off. He peeled off the wet black socks. He moved towards Equius’ bulging fly when Equius stopped him with a word.

 

“NO. You must show proper fealty first. Clean my feet with your tongue.”

 

Tavros hesitated. That wasn’t a place he was prepared to lick. Equius’ large callused feet were sweaty and covered in black lint from his socks. The owner of the feet noticed Tavros’ hesitation.

 

“What do you say to this, slave?” he asked as if waiting for their out-phrase.

 

Tavros was disgusted but he didn’t want to end the experiment. He could get through this part if it meant pleasure at the end.

 

“I can serve, master,” he replied.

 

Tavros was as good as his word. He started with kissing each toe before licking underneath the raised left foot. It was Equius who broke from this task. His feet were more ticklish than he thought and he broke character to laugh. Tavros had never heard him laugh and he wanted to continue braving the taste in his mouth to hear more, but Equius stopped him.

 

“That’s enough fealty, slave,” he choked out.

 

Tavros stopped and let go of Equius’ foot.

 

“Take off my upper garments,” Equius said next.

 

Tavros stood up and Equius lifted his arms. Tavros peeled the soaking wet shirt off of him. Tavros had already seen plenty of his muscles through his tight tops but now he could see every line and contour.

 

“I graciously allow you to suckle my nipple, slave,” the muscle man said.

 

It was an odd order to Tavros but he kneeled down a bit and started licking at the blue pebbles on the coldblood’s chests. His master was getting more pleasure from those strange non-essential things than Tavros would have thought possible and he had to admit they felt nice on his tongue. They tasted salty but they were better than the feet.

 

“You like my highblood body, slave?”

 

Tavros moved off Equius’ chest. “Y-yes, it’s a very nice body.”

 

“Unbutton my lower garments. I must be…fully…undressed.”

 

Equius’ shorts were bulging and they had been bulging a long time. Tavros unbuttoned them and with the owner’s help, pulled them down and the jockstrap. Out popped a thick dark indigo bone bulge. If Tavros had been fortunate enough to have a nook, it would have been unlikely this would have fit, but he kept thinking about how painful and how pleasurable it would be to have the bone bulge to stretch him out. Unfortunately, he didn’t a nook and his mechanical waste chute was too utilitarian for any kinky moves. There was one orifice left and while Tavros was willing to use it he still waited for his master to command it.

 

Equius finally said, “Take me…into your mouth.”

 

Tavros stopped just holding the part and put it into his mouth. Or at least he put the head in his mouth, the rest being too big for him. He sucked hard and swirled his tongue along the underside. His master was more than satisfied with this.

 

“Oh yes, this is very good, doing very good, my kinky little –“ He stopped. “Where did you learn this? Answer me truthfully.”

 

Tavros took his mouth off Equius and Equius’ groaned. “I had a friend, when I had all my parts, and we…played around. And…he was a coldblood.”

 

“Oh this is perfect, you slutty little lowblood.”

 

Tavros didn’t consider himself slutty. He had only fooled around with Gamzee. They had never activated their genetic material inside each other, just swapped head. After Gamzee, there had been nothing else. Tavros still considered himself a virgin and he felt he would always be one. He wasn’t going to argue with Equius now. Instead he put himself back into his task. Equius groaned with delight.

 

“Oh yes, little slave, yes. Put your little nimble fingers in your master’s nook.”

 

The nook was so slick it was easy to put three fingers in but the nook pulsed so hard Tavros was afraid his fingers would break.

 

“That’s excellent, that’s excellent, oh little slave but – I need something more.”

 

Tavros pulled away. “What?”

 

“Lie on the bed…with your glorious erection up…and let me ride you.”

 

Tavros’ phallus had been out for a long time but totally ignored. At this new order, it almost felt like it twitched.

 

Equius stood up and Tavros threw himself onto bed. When Tavros was situated, Equius went and straddled Tavros’ hips. The coldblood was so huge over the warmblood but the bed did not break. Equius looked down at Tavros’ smaller but still sizable bulge with a greedy look.

 

“I have want to feel this inside me…ever since I created it,” he said.

 

“Then, you can have it in you.”

 

“Of horse I can, slave!”

 

Equius lowered himself slowly onto the bulge until he was sitting on Tavros’ crotch. If the crotch wasn’t made of STRONG metal, he might have crushed it with his weight. Tavros was bounded by the highblood’s weight. Equius’ nook was cold but the artificial phallus couldn’t read the temperature and Tavros was fine with this since the nook might have been too cold for him. He could still feel the pulses of the nook around him.

 

“Please,” he moaned, “Please move.”

 

“No, let your master savor this.”

 

He however turned out to be too impatient for this and started immediately bouncing on Tavros, testing the bed’s strength to its limit. Luckily, the warmblood’s bed was as well made as all his furniture. While the furniture held, Equius was becoming unleashed. He throwing back his mane and whinnying and even grinning toothily. Tavros had never seen him act like this in the whole sweep they’d know each other. It did look very goofy but Tavros was in love with the sight. To think it was Tavros’ body doing this, he thought. The sensations Equius was giving back also brought Tavros ecstasy. Being enveloped entirely felt so much better than his hand. He wondered if he should give Equius a hand with his erection but he figured his master would tell him if he wanted a hand. It actually seemed as if Equius was trying to avoid even brushing his bone bulge lest he go off.

 

Equius went off-script and moaned, “Oh golly, it’s so exquisite…having an extremity of you inside me…having me enveloping you…oh my warmblood friend!”

 

Tavros stayed on script. “I’m glad, to be serving you, master.”  

 

“I’ll always be there…for you to serve…my dear dear little slave boy.”

 

Soon after this, Tavros clenched the sheets one last time before his orgasm hit his brain. As programmed, his bone bulge retreated and left Equius’ nook empty.

 

“Fuck!” he yelled, “Ah, fiddlesticks.”

 

Though Tavros wasn’t up for another orgasm he was still in his erotic glow when he offered something kinky. “You could finish, in my mouth.”

 

“Yes, excellent slave.”

 

Equius moved back so Tavros could sit up and curl his back just enough to reach the head of the bone bulge. Tavros simply put his mouth around the head and Equius started pouring his bitter genetic material into Tavros’ mouth. Tavros soon realized it was a mistake to offer his mouth as a bucket. He had done it that way with Gamzee back when they were dumb kids without buckets but their output wasn’t as copious or strong-tasting as his new adult partner. Tavros tried his best anyway.

 

When he finished, he looked up at his new partner and his new partner looked down at him with amazement.

 

“Are you okay, sir?” he asked.

 

“I think, I’m more than okay,” Tavros confessed, “Even though, my mouth doesn’t feel okay.”

 

“Then it was okay for you it was okay for me, sir. So divinely okay for me.”

 

Equius got off the Tavros and off the bed. “Do you want me to get you a glass of refreshing beverage?” he asked.

 

Tavros turned to his side. “I think, we should talk, about what we did, and ignore my taste buds, for a moment.”

 

“You did like it, didn’t you say that sir? Will we ever…repeat the experiment?”

 

“I don’t think, we should repeat, this particular experiment. I think, you shouldn’t get used to having sex with me, instead of reproducing the feeling we had here, with your matesprit, who you can reproduce with.”

 

“I don’t think I can experience…all the feelings…I had here.”

 

“I think, maybe with just a little roleplay, you could? I mean, I know her blood isn’t as warm as mine, and she doesn’t have the cool historical lineage, that made this, really depraved, but you could still pretend.”

 

“I fear I am unable to pretend anymore.”

 

“But you should pretend, you should try, as hard as you can, to pretend!” Tavros started sobbing. “She’s your lover, you love her, you have a history together, you have to pretend for her sake, and for your sake, and for the Republic’s sake!”

 

“GOD DAMN THE REPUBLIC, IT’S YOU I’M FLUSHED FOR!”

 

Tavros fell back on the bed in shock. When he lifted himself back up, Equius was covering his mouth.

 

“Oh dear,” he said from behind his hands, “A hundred pardons for my foul language. I take it all back. I do not darn the Republic in any way, divine or naturally.”

 

“But…you are flushed for me? Tell me the truth.”

 

“You order me to tell the truth?” He put down his hands. “I am very very deeply flushed for you.”

 

“I think…I’m flushed for you too.”

 

“Sir, I’m not confessing as an order for you to reciprocate my feelings!”

 

“I’m not obeying any orders! I am flushed for you! I can feel things, even for coldbloods, even though they say I can’t!”

 

“You are ordering us to be matesprits?” Equius asked hopefully.

 

“Uhh, actually, I’m ordering the opposite. I order you to not be matesprits with me, for your own good. In fact, I think you should move out.”

 

“You’re firing me, sir?”

 

“I’m letting you go, or, at least I will after a week, at that point, you leave the island.”

 

“Then I will prepare, warmblood.”

 

Equius silently put on his filthy clothes and left while Tavros cried. He drank some water and he took a shower and he changed the sheets, but he didn’t sleep.

 

The next evening, Equius rang the doorbell. Tavros opened it with surprise.

 

“Equius?” he said, “I don’t have anything, that I want you to do, tonight. Go home.”

 

“Lowblood,” Equius bellowed in his best highblood voice, “I have the orders tonight.”

 

Tavros shivered at his words. “Uhh?”

 

“I order you to be my matesprit.”

 

“You can’t order me!”

 

“I thought you liked being ordered,” Equius said with somewhat of a smirk and Tavros shivered again.

 

“I do, but we can’t! The Republic! You’ll be fined!”

 

“If the Republic forbids me from being with one of her greatest citizens over something as minor as an anatomical defect, well then…gosh darn the Republic!”

 

“Gosh darn the Republic!” Tavros yelled and it felt so satisfying to say that.

 

He wrapped his arms around the wet cold hunk that was Equius. Equius picked him up and the bronzeblood and the indigoblood had their first kiss. Equius then carried Tavros into the hive.

 

“Let’s talk about some adjustments we can make to your pelvic region,” the engineer whispered to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Yeah, I know troll movie titles in the comic don’t work that way but I’m too lazy to write a description of the plot of National Velvet and International Velvet (never seen the movies) and this is a more amusing title.


	15. Eridan?Feferi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eridan♥Feferi
> 
> Humanstuck AU set in the mid-to-late 60s during the Vietnam protests in the U.S. Feferi is a flower child hippie girl all for peace, love and understanding. Eridan is a conservative military brat all for the Vietnam war, and hates Lyndon Johnson more than he does Communism.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't the right quadrant at all but I like it. Might do more panels later.

[](http://imgur.com/9a1kb7a)


	16. Disciple ♠ Summoner, G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disciple ♠ Summoner
> 
> [Mustache Vandalism.](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MustacheVandalism) The Summoner draws mustaches all over the Disciple's art to try to get her to stop sketching so she'll join the revolution too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: crude depiction of violence

[](http://imgur.com/6ro6flJ)


	17. Eridan<>Feferi, T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> EridanFeferi
> 
> Trope: Gay Best friend. Humanstuck High School AU with Feferi as the popular girl and Eridan is her GBF. Bonus points (in my heart) for "Mean Girls" quotes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: sex mention, homophobia, discussions of puberty, cross-dressing Eridan, Eridan’s behavior is morally dubious

You and Fef have been friends ever since your first day in your elite private middle school when you found out you both had nautical-themed backpacks. She loves the water so much she uses fish puns all the time. You aren’t as obsessed with water as her (in fact you are secretly afraid to swim in anything other than a pool) but you do appreciate the majesty of the sea. Even if you didn’t care about the sea, you would have still said you were. From the time you first saw her, you knew you had to be with her somehow.

 

All throughout middle school, you get closer to her. Every lunchtime, you go to her table. Between periods, you try and run into her even when your class and hers are across the school. You take the same electives as her, even trying out for the swim team despite your minor hydrophobia. After spending so much time with her in school, you get invited to her place. You hang out in her place, since the stately Ampora Family Manor is frankly an ancient wreck. To your surprise, her mother lets you stay overnight, though you are gentlemanly enough to sleep in the guest room. You become not just her friend, but her best friend.

 

However, you want to be more than friends. At first it was just puppy love. You don’t think you even thought about kissing her when you first met. As you go through puberty, you starting to want to do far more than kiss. You have some downright kinky ideas. It’s taken awhile for your body to catch up with your brain, but you are starting to get your hair and your adult height. On Feferi’s end, she got her period and her adult height early. While there hasn’t been much breasts growth, that’s normal in her family, her mother’s obvious breast implants being the exception. You like what she has. Her mind for the longest time didn’t seem as sexually advanced as yours. She didn’t seem to be much interested in boys or girls. Lately, she has confided to you her wet dreams and they are pretty kinky. At age fifteen, you are ready to date. You just need to inform her of this.

 

Luckily, there is a dance coming up in a month. You’ve spent the afternoon bleaching and dying your forelock and listening to Queen and you are psyched to text her. Luckily, she texts you first to ask advice for what she should wear to the dance. Instead of immediately responding with an invitation, you humor her discussion and approve and disapprove of the photos she sends you. Just as you are about to strike, she strikes with a message that strikes you dead:

 

T)(anks for t)(e kelp! It’s so nice )(aving a gay BFF. GTG!!!

 

Gay BFF? _Gay_ BFF? When the hell did you come out to her as anything? Sure, you’ve never told her you were heterosexual, but isn’t that to be assumed? You may not have dated any girls, being too focused of Fef, but you haven’t dated any boys either. She also hasn’t dated anyone and she’s of course heterosexual. Why is she labelling you as homosexual? You have never said you were attracted to any man. In fact, you often voice negative opinions on male celebrities considered attractive. Is it because you are pretty? Many men are pretty and still straight. You may be so pretty you can pull of drag like a goddamn princess but you only go out in drag on holidays such as Halloween and Mardi Gras and April Fool’s Day and when you manage to get Terezi to take you to Purim. Sometimes you dress in drag when it isn’t a holiday but that’s only in total privacy. You love Queen, but they aren’t a gay band. Most of the band is heterosexual and Freddie Mercury was an outlier who should not be counted. Is it because you like wizards? You hope it isn’t that. You could tell her these arguments, but you wonder if that won’t make you seem like a huge closet case. You don’t want to appear overly-defensive. Other kids may have called you a fag before without you saying anything, but teen boys call everyone that. You really should have nipped that in the bud instead of saying “takes one to know one” or something lame like that. Hell, maybe you should have told her your sexual fantasies that all involve girls.

 

You then realize why Fef has told you her wet dreams. It’s only because she thought you wouldn’t take it as an invitation to recreate them. She’s been open and comfortable with you not just because you are her best friend but because you are her gay best friend. She lets you give her foot massages and comb her hair because she doesn’t fear your touch. She has let you sleep over and even her mother doesn’t give a fuck. She has brought you shopping and modelled swimsuits for you and when she’s in the dressing room she opens the stall just a bit so that you can hand her different sizes or colors. It isn’t like you’ve never popped a boner with her but you’ve always done the gentlemanly thing and hid your arousal. Is your penis that unnoticeable? Maybe you should have let her seen it?

 

However, that would scare her away. She would be horrified to know you got off on her innocent gestures. How can you explain it after all these years? You would lose her after all the work it took you to get close to her. And for what? The slim chance she’d say yes to a guy she’s seen as a girl all these years?

 

You tell yourself you will find a way to tell her you aren’t gay. For now, you’ll just enjoy your intimacy with her. You can reel her in eventually.


	18. Equius & Sollux, G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Equius&Sollux
> 
> Immigrant Patriotism: Equius and Sollux aren't from America originally. They're not even from Earth. But oh dang, do they love it here. Could it be that America's flag is all about the red and blue? Could it be that America is way into being STRONG and building STRONG trucks? Whatever it is, these two trolls are way into the U. S. of A.

[](http://imgur.com/W8nM1oQ)


	19. Dave/Jade, T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave/Jade
> 
> Wild Child - "The extreme end of No Social Skills — a feral child has lived isolated from human contact from a very young age, and has little or no experience of human care, loving or social behavior, and — crucially — human language. These individuals are not just bad at social interaction; they are so limited that they are effectively wild animals who happen to have human form."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major Tags: character death (human and animal), violence mention, vomit mention, severe child neglect, suggested cannibalism and dog-eating  
> Additional Tag: ableist slur, sexist slur

Excerpts from Dave Strider’s Shooting Diary for SBaHj I+I   
  
10/14/XX  
  
Arrived on Location #9, nicknamed “Hellmurder Island”, at 8:23 am local time. Ben Stiller threw up in helicopter but director didn’t because he’s not a pussy. Temperatures were in the mid-80s, wind 0-2 MPH, humidity at 10%, and sun was full. Good day for shooting. Island seemed to perfectly fit director’s deranged anal-retentive fantasies. Gave feelings of déjà vu. However, complications arose when Donald Glover was jumped by a strange naked woman who proceeded to attack everyone else. How cliché, the black dude getting it first. The woman was not among our cast or crew, that’s for certain. Did not respond to English or any other language. Situation was settled when brave director gave woman fruit snacks. She calmed down then some unauthorized douchebag shot her with a tranq gun. She was knocked unconscious for a period of time. So far there have been no health complications from the animal tranquilizers.   
  
The woman is 5’ 4” when standing straight. Weighs 103 pounds. Has long unkempt black hair. Eyes are an unnatural green. Skin is light brown. She appears to be of Asian descent, though her eye color suggests Caucasian. Buck-toothed but few lost teeth. We took a photo of her and ran it through a database of lost persons. The closest match was a poor rugrat named Jade Harley who went missing in 1995.   
  
Jade Harley was – is actually, don’t use past tense – the adopted daughter of Captain Jake Harley, the owner of Hellmurder Island. He was declared dead in 2000 and his island along with his other property went into escrow. Details on the legal limbo that ended in us getting the island are already in this diary. Island not as properly explored as director was led to believe. Director is thinking of firing location scout and asking for gift basket back. In December 1995, the Cap took off to the island with his newly-adopted daughter and his dog Becquerel hoping to settle it. Since he never radioed back from it, people assumed his ship had sunk even though the remains of the ship were never found. Real quality search there. We found the daughter on the first day. The Captain and the dog are still missing but still presumably dead.   
  
Custody of Jade Harley remains in question. Though she is over the age of majority by far, she’s not capable of taking care of herself. As a foundling, she has no blood relations. The Government of Australia will decide her fate.  
  
oh fuck being professional and objective with a few funny remarks. this is a fucking tragedy. a little girl goes lost and her guardians greedy relatives argue over who gets his stuff without looking for her? this little girl grew up all alone. well maybe she had a dog but its dead now maybe she ate it but she became a dog. she actually barks. sure its cute but its also fucked up! if only her stupid explorer grandfather hadnt taken her to hellmurder island i could punch the moustache off his face if he werent dead and eaten. this girl could have grown up to be genius shes still pretty smart for a dog. she catches on pretty quick to me when most of the supposed-intelligent folks around me are still scratching their heads. she had to be pretty fucking smart to survive in the jungle all this time. i know all the doctors and scientists will call her “retarded” and say shell never do anything more than howl for her supper but i think shell be able to learn to speak or use sign language. fuck any institution that wants to take her i am going to adopt her. as creepy as it is for me to adopt someone the same age as me im doing it. shes cute and shes smart and shes actually very pretty for a woman who has never combed her hair. okay that sounds creepy but seriously i will not sleep with her. well i will sleep sleep with her if it makes her feel safe and if she doesnt kick me to death in her sleep with her muscular legs. but im not looking for an asian sex doll. she also wont be a pet. she is a human woman and i will treat her that way.  
  
brb shes attacking donald glover again.


	20. Karkat♦Gamzee, G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ukefication. They're a few weeks into the meteor journey- enough time to ignore the horrors of murderstuck troll-style. Their diamond is still fresh and Karkat is not jaded with their relationship yet.
> 
> Karkat pale-ukefies Gamzee in his imagination during his morail's absence.

[](http://imgur.com/OPgovLA)


	21. Dirk&Jane(&Alpha!Dave Strider)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk&Jane(&Alpha!Dave Strider)
> 
> Writers Cannot Do Math: Hussie has given Alpha!Dave's age as being in his 20s when he kills the ICP, and also given the date around 2025.
> 
> Either this is accurate and Alpha!Dave is at least a year younger than Jane (if he's 29 in 2025), or something is up...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: character death, sadstuck, bad compression

[ ](http://imgur.com/RvEXaSZ)


	22. Grand Highblood & The Summoner, M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grand Highblood & Summoner
> 
> The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.  
> \- George S. Patton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: violence, mutilation, bondage, character death, imminent threats of torture and death, mentioned unpleasant effects of death, mentioned blood-drinking, mentioned ejaculation, mentioned child abuse, insults to religious beliefs, slurs

Subduing the Signless was easy compared to subduing the Summoner. Though the Signless was protected by a powerful psionic, a rainbow drinker, and a huntress, when they were neutralized the Signless was helpless. He was a troll of words and not action. However, the Summoner had been the captain of the Cavalreapers before he decided to turn his talents against the Empire. Not only did he tone his lowblood body the best he could, he also had the natural advantages of huge goring horns and wings that could take him away from any danger. But for all this he was still foolish and fool-hardy. He fell for a ridiculously stupid ploy and his brave followers fled like the wrigglers they were. Though the Summoner’s wings were torn off, he still gored his captors whenever he had the chance. When his thick horns were finally sawed through, he just kicked and bit whenever he could. Despite this frenzy, he eventually settled into a sullen calm. This is how he was when he was brought to the Grand Highblood’s torture chamber.  
  
Other than the wing and horn removal, the Summoner hadn’t been roughed up much. His body had some bruises and cuts but those were all from his struggling. He hadn’t been whipped or paddled or canned or shocked. This was how the Grand Highblood wanted it to be. He wanted to be the first to torture this high-ranking heretic as was his right. It was a shame the Grand Highblood hadn’t been the one to take the heretic’s horns and wings instead of the mere oliveblood prison guard. Though the Grand Highblood could understand the guard’s reasoning, the guard would be executed none the less for denying the Grand Highblood his pleasure. Still, the Summoner’s body was a beautiful canvas to work on and there were many other parts left for the Grand Highblood to take. The Summoner’s naked body was hung up in the middle of the block and his ankles were chained to the ground by junior subjuggulators.  
  
Yet as this was happening, the Summoner forced out a hearty laugh. It was the sort of laugh that would normally be accompanied by belly grabs. He was almost crowing. The junior subjuggulators were unnerved by laughter coming from not them but a prisoner, but the Grand Highblood just smiled before dismissing them.  
  
The Grand Highblood turned to the Summoner and asked, “Motherfucker, why does the noise of laughin’ COME OUT YOUR NOISEHOLE? Are you too damaged in the think pan TO HAVE NOT THE KNOWLEDGE of the motherfuckin’ WHOOP-ASS ‘bout to be delivered UPON YO LIVIN’ CORPSE?”  
  
The Summoner stopped laughing and replied, “I laugh…because you are giving me the gift…suffering a glorious death…for the cause of the Sufferer.”   
  
The Grand Highblood laughed. “That is funny, boy! That an experienced soldier would be thinkin’ DYING BE GLORIOUS. After gettin’ their ganderbulbs and smellhooks ON THE BATTLEFIELD and experiencin’ all them dead motherfuckers DEFECATIN’ IN THEIR OWN UNIFORM.”  
  
“Death is well, messy…but warriors do not fear death…because they are willing to die for the cause.”  
  
The Grand Highblood shook his head and tsked. “I don’t know what SHITBLOOD PAN-EMPTY INSTRUCTOR had that SCHOOLFED UP YOUR BONE BULGE but boy, I’m tellin’ you now, the point ain’t to die for your cause BUT TO MAKE THE OTHER MOTHERFUCKER DIE FOR THEMS CAUSE.”  
  
“I have already taken many lives…for my cause…but I am still willing to give my own life…if it help further the cause…as a warrior should.”  
  
“Boy, don’t talk to me ‘bout being a warrior. Back when you suckled upon lusus fluid I WAS SUCKLING UPON THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES. You says a warrior should die? Well, I’m a warrior AND I AIN’T DIED YET and I don’t plan to neither IF I CAN HELP IT.”  
  
“Then you don’t truly trust…in your afterlife.”  
  
“I believe I will go to Shangri-La. I KNOW IN MY OLD BONES WILL GO TO SHANGRI-LA. But I’ll be honest with ya I’LL HATE IT. I ain’t ready to kick back AND DO NOTHIN’ BUT DRINK SODA. But do you TRUST IN YOUR AFTERLIFE?”  
  
The Summoner nodded. “I am certain…I will fly to the bubble in the sky…as the Sufferer so said his followers would.”  
  
“Boy, I HEARD WHAT THE SUFFERER SPOKE and in all his heretical noise HE NEVER SAID NO THING ABOUT THE HEREAFTER.”  
  
“Of course…he wouldn’t reveal it to you…only to his disciples.”  
  
“And you don’t think we got an in ON HIS CIRCLE OF HERETICS? You don’t think our motherfuckers STOLE THE WORDS FROM HIS AIR and delivered it to us ON MOUNTAINS OF GOLDEN SCROLLS? I read those scrolls back and forth AND THERE AIN’T NO WORDS OF THE HEREAFTER.”  
  
“Then your spies missed…the sermons on the dream bubbles.”  
  
“Oh, we got them sermons down EXCEPT THE DREAM BUBBLES AIN’T WHAT’S BUBBLIN’ IN YOUR MIND. Dream bubbles are for his so-called Beforan friends NOT RUN-OF-THE-MILL HERETICS LIKE YOU!”  
  
“But it says in the Gospel of the Huntress…”  
  
“The Huntress LIED TO YOU. That is, if IT EVEN WAS THAT KITTY-BITCH. Could have been any motherfucker WHO GOT A WANT FOR A MOTHERFUCKER TO DIE FOR THEM.”  
  
“I think it is you who are lying…to take away my bravery…but I still believe in the dream bubble.”  
  
“I won’t try to convince you no more of the truth. YOU’LL FIND OUT THE PUNCHLINE EVENTUALLY and I will set it up for you.”  
  
“So you’re going to kill me…I’m not afraid. To die…will be an awfully big adventure.”  
  
“Oh boy, oh tiny young wriggler. DYING AIN’T GONNA BE THE ONLY ADVENTURE. First thing first, YOU WILL BE IN FOR A TICKLIN’.”  
  
“A…tickling?”  
  
“Ticklin’ might seem like a joke BUT IT’S ONLY A JOKE FOR ME. You want to laugh? YOUR LAUGH WILL BE TAKEN FROM YOU till you can’t breathe AND YOUR BONE COVERS WILL BE ON FIRE.”  
  
“But…just tickling?”  
  
“Tickling is the first part. You will hate the ticklin’ AND CURSE ITS VERY NAME but after the other parts YOU WILL PRAY FOR TICKLING! And no, I won’t tell you the other parts THAT WOULD SPOIL THE SURPRISE. You ready for that?”  
  
“Torture will still be a chance…to suffer for the Sufferer…and I will remain dignified.”  
  
“Why? The Sufferer didn’t. ALL CUSSIN’ LIKE A LUNATIC.”  
  
“No…he did not simply cuss…he gave a brave sermon.”  
  
“He gave a brave joke. MAYBE HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A CLOWN? But that was the only time HE WAS EVER FUNNY.”  
  
“You think it was a joke…but it was the Holy Truth…and I hope to have as noble a death as he.”  
  
“Motherfucker, we ain’t gonna let you have a death like his. YOU’LL DIE ALONE and NO ONE but me WILL HEAR YOUR LAST JOKE.”  
  
The Summoner looked around as if he just noticed he was alone.  
  
“And I’ll tell your joke HOW IT PLEASES ME. I’ll tellin’ them you blubbered like a wriggler. NO, I’LL TELL THEM YOU EJACULATED THE SECOND I TOUCHED YOU LIKE A HORMONAL ADOLESCENT. Won’t that be funny?”  
  
“You might lie to your followers…but Sufferists don’t.”  
  
“I don’t lie – I TELL JOKES. If a motherfucker can’t comprehend a joke THAT’S THEIR OWN UNFUNNINESS and they will be judged.”  
  
“Well, but…the Truth will Crow out!”  
  
“The Truth will Crow out BUT NOT YOUR TRUTH. Your truth will die AND BE REPLACED BY A TALE FOR WRIGGLERS.”  
  
“But that is still a message…for the teenagers…who have always been loyal to me.”  
  
“The little ones won’t be loyal to no adults. THEY WILL NOT EVEN SEE THEM. And if it gets to happen a wriggler happens upon an errant adult THEY WILL SEE THEM A PEDOPHILES and offer them no refuge.”  
  
“That is impossible…to keep adults and wrigglers apart.”  
  
“We’ll keep the adults in the outer spaces AND THE LITTLE ONES ON ALTERNIA. Wrigglers will grow alone AND GROW UP TOUGH AND CRUEL.”   
  
“All because of me?”  
  
“Don’t get a big head. THAT’S BEEN THE CONDESCE’S DREAM for some time. You just made it hasty.”  
  
“Her plans will all fail…she will fail…some night.”  
  
“Hahaha, you think so. Tonight YOU WILL BE THE ONLY ONE FAILING.”  
  
The Summoner picked up a feather duster.  
  
“Time for your last adventure,” he said.  
  
And that’s when the torture started.


	23. Calliope<>Gamzee<3<Caliborn, M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You raise the blade, you make the change  
> You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane.  
> You lock the door  
> And throw away the key  
> There's someone in my head but it's not me. "  
> -Pink Floyd, "Brain Damage"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major Tags: violence, death, drug addiction, mentioned drug overdose, mentioned child abuse, mild underage sexual content  
> Additional Tags: humanstuck, mental illness, mental hospital, psychiatric restraints, psychiatric drugs mention, mind control, misogyny, mentioned gamrezi

Gamzee never asked to be in rehab. It only happened because his often-absent father happened to catch him when Gamzee was passed out on a cocktail of drugs and took him to the emergency room. When Gamzee came to, his father checked his minor child into an expensive psychiatric hospitals before leaving for other pressing business. For two weeks Gamzee suffered the most horrible symptoms of withdrawal. He cursed and cried and begged for heroin and alcohol to the point that he had to be restrained. However, when Gamzee was finally detoxed, he became complacent. It wasn’t a bad place, really. He had a private room with a nice view and the food was delicious. Though he hadn’t chosen to be there, he felt it was where he was supposed to be. He wasn’t sure he wanted to permanently kick, he still acted the good patient.

  


That was until another patient insulted the Dark Carnival. Gamzee was in the cafeteria eating and he casually mentioned to the patient that he hoped he would get his face paints back soon. The patient asked if Gamzee was a juggalo and Gamzee went on about the Dark Carnival when the patient interrupted him to inform him that Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope invented it as a gimmick and Gamzee just went mad. Though it wasn’t the first time someone had mocked him for being a juggalo, there was something about the patient’s deadpan voice and dead red eyes that triggered Gamzee. He leaped across the table and punched the patient’s nose and then tried to strangle him before not one but two orderlies came and pulled him off. 

  


That’s how Gamzee ended up restrained and isolated in a padded room. He thought it was unfair. It was the other guy who assaulted him with his words. Rude motherfucker deserved a beatdown. That’s how it would be on the outside. Gamzee quickly turned from loving the hospital to hating it. He wanted it to burn. He struggled against his restraints but he eventually stopped. He wasn’t so much as calm as he was tired.

  


It was They started talking to him. It wasn’t one of the “voices in your head” the shrinks always asked if Gamzee had. This was grey words appearing on the white ceiling. Though Gamzee was experienced with hallucinations, he’d never had one sober and never in the form of such clear words. What miracle was this?

  


The first words read: GAMZEE. WE NEED YOu. TO PLAY A GAME.

  


Gamzee said loudly, “Who’s this motherfucker who be askin’ me for a game?”

  


The letters changed. NO. NO. NO. STuPID CLOWN. DON’T TALK OuTLOuD.

  


Gamzee whispered, “Then how else is a motherfucker supposed to talk? I can’t sign without my signin’ noddles.”

  


Another set of letters appeared just a little to the right. i think it might be best if yoU think yoUr responses instead of saying them oUtloUd. we don’t want to draw attention.

  


Gamzee thought in responses: _Okay, I can be up thinkin’ for ya._

  


GOOD. YOu OBEY WELL. YOu WILL DO WELL. IN OuR GAME.

  


_I like myself some games. What’s the game?_

  


THE GAME IS. YOu OBEY ME. AND DO MY BIDDING. AND WE WILL RuLE THE uNIVERSE.

  


“Rule the entire motherfucker?!”

  


SHuT UP. STuPID CLOWN. tumut.

  


_Sorry._

  


YES. THE WHOLE uNIVERSE. WHY RuLE ONLY PART OF THE uNIVERSE?

  


it will end Up being the entire Universe.

  


_But how? No motherfucker’s even gotten hisself the entire Earth and they don’t need no spaceship to get all the planet._

  


NO HuMAN MOTHERFuCKER. HAS BEEN AS POWERFuL. OR AS CLEVER. AS ME.

  


i’m afraid it’s all too complicated to explain the plan now. we must limit oUrselves to only pieces of information Until we are ready to meet.

  


_Can a brother at least get a name?_

  


i sUppose it woUld be rUde not to give one.

  


THE ONLY NAME YOu NEED. IS LORD. I AM THE LORD OF TIME.

  


and i am the mUse of space, bUt i think it woUld be easier if yoU jUst called me calliope and my partner caliborn.

  


_Are you motherfucker’s gods?_

  


YES.

  


yoU coUld call Us that. we are qUite powerfUl. however, that woUld not be correct. we are cherUbs.

  


_Like little angel babies?_

  


MORE LIKE ANGELS OF DEATH. DOuBLE DEATH.

  


_Whooa not just death but double death?_

  


death is an intrinsic part of our natUre as Unpleasant as it might seem to hUmans who tend to fear death.

  


_Actually, I think it’s kinda wicked cool being an angel of double death._

  


SEE. SISTER. HE IS NOT A SQuISHY HuMAN. LIKE YOu WANT TO BE. HE IS MY DISCIPLE.

  


he is not jUst yoUrs. we are both here to work with him.

  


I AM NOT HERE. TO WORK WITH HIM. I WANT TO HAVE HIM. WORK FOR ME. I WANT. TO BEND HIM TO MY WILL. AND TAKE HIM.

  


brother please! uwu

  


Gamzee was amazed. This was the first time anyone had ever fought to be with him and he was flattered if a bit flustered by this back and forth.

  


_Don’t fight, bro and sis, I can be both your friends._

  


I DON’T WANT TO BE. ANYTHING AS MERE. AS FRIENDS.

  


_You want to be...lovers?_

  


CHERuBS DON’T HAVE “LOVERS”. WE WOULD BE HATERS.

  


hmmmmm...

  


NO. NO. NO. NO. I MEAN. WE WOuLD BE HATERS. IF WE WERE GOING TO BE. IN ANY ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. WHICH WE ARE NOT. SINCE YOu ARE A HuMAN.

  


_Yeaaah, I’m not interested in a ‘ship either. Just got dumped by a friend._

  


oh, that’s too bad.

  


WHY DID THEY REJECT YOu? DID THEY NOT FIND YOuR HAIR. CuDDLY ENOuGH?

  


_Errrr...._

  


NO. FORGET THE FOOLISH ROMANCE TALK. CLOWN BOY. WILL YOu PLAY THIS GAME?

  


_I’m not sure if I want to play this game..._

  


THERE IS NO OTHER GAME. FOR YOu TO PLAY. OTHER THAN TO GuESS. HOW STRONG THE HEROIN WILL BE. IN YOuR NEXT HIT. SHITTY SPOILER: IT WILL BE TOO STRONG. AND YOu WILL DIE. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA.

  


_I’m gonna die?_

  


that is only one eventUality.

  


THERE IS ONLY ONE EVENTuALITY. IT IS ME. DESPITE MY “QuESTION MARKS”. I AM NOT ASKING YOu A QuESTION. YOu WILL PLAY THE GAME.

  


Gamzee sighed. _This is motherfuckin’ bullshit. Don’t see much reason out there to play or unplay this game._

  


IF YOu PLAY THIS GAME. YOu WILL BE STRONG. NOT AS STRONG AS ME. OF COuRSE. BuT STRONGER THAN YOuR CuRRENT PuNY SELF. YOu WILL HAVE REVENGE. ON ALL THE *HATERS*. NO ONE WILL IGNORE YOu. OR PITY YOu. INSTEAD YOu CAN CALL ATTENTION. AND BE PITILESS. YOu WILL BE A BARD. FOR MY HOLY RAGE. YOu WILL BE PART OF SOMETHING. GREATER THAN YOuR PuNY SELF. 

  


and hopefUlly yoU will grow as a person doing it.

  


_This noise sounds like an awesome responsibility...but I’m willin’ to honk it...if it’s important._

  


FINALLY.

  


_Can I get some bard garb?_

  


WHAT?

  


i coUld design something for yoU later.

  


YES. THE WENCH WILL DO SOME WOMAN WORK. SHE WILL MAKE YOu A BARD GARMENT. THAT WILL MAKE IT CLEAR. THAT YOu ARE A MAN OF POWER.

  


_Bitchtits!_

  


BuT FIRST. YOu MuST ESCAPE.

  


_How?_

  


HOW? JuST BREAK FREE OF THOSE SHODDY HuMAN RESTRAINTS. 

  


Gamzee pulled at the restraints for the first time in a quarter hour. Nothing happened.

  


_Sorry but nope, still ain’t got no soap._

  


WHAT? NO. YOu JuST PuNCHED A HuMAN SO HARD. THAT YOu BROKE HIS NOSE. YOu CAN GET FREE.

  


bUt where woUld he go? if he got oUt of his restraints, he’d still be in a locked room. if he got oUt of the room, he’d be in a corridor fUll of orderlies.

  


NO. NO. THERE IS A PLAN. YOu JuST HAVEN’T THOuGHT OF IT YET. IDIOT SISTER. BuT I WON’T SPOIL IT. tumut

  


i think yoU shoUld sit tight for now bUt i can help yoU by telling yoU what yoU shoUld say. i’m afraid my brother will be no help there.

  


So Gamzee did sit tight. Eventually he was released from his restraints but he read Calliope’s words floating in front of him and didn’t make a break for it. Calliope’s words told him how to apologize to his blaspheming victim and though Gamzee didn’t want to apologize he felt better afterwards. Calliope’s words helped him through his days in therapy. Whenever he said the things Calliope prompted him to say, the shrinks’ faces lit up. Mostly Gamzee talked about how terrible his old man was even though Gamzee didn’t think his old man was that bad. Sure, the old man was sometimes violent with Gamzee but that didn’t happen often since the old man was often away on business. Still, the shrinks were traumatized. At night, as Gamzee looked up at the unfamiliar ceiling, Caliborn’s words visited him. His voice taught him about firearms and bombs. The voice also taught him how to masturbate. Gamzee had already learned that when he was ten but if the cherub wanted him to prepare “for the bitches” who was Gamzee to argue? 

  


It was on the second week a therapist started to get suspicious. She brought it up in a solo session.

  


“Gamzee?” said Annabelle, “I’ve noticed when you answer people you often looking above their heads and move your eyes like you’re reading something. Could you tell me what that’s about?”

  


Gamzee’s eyes widen. He looked up above Annabelle’s head for the important grey text. Unfortunately, nothing was there.

  


“It’s...not anything to be about?” he replied.

  


“Gamzee, look into my eyes.” He looked into her grey eyes. “Though auditory hallucinations are more common, visual hallucinations are still a danger. Are you seeing anything that isn’t there?”

  


He shook his head and mournfully replied, “I ain’t seein’ nothin’.”

  


“Have you been seeing anything recently? Any messages?”

  


Oh no, he thought, she’s onto me. However, nobody answered his thought.

  


“Nope, my head has just been myself. Locked up without a key.”

  


“Has it always been that way?”

  


“I am completely all by my lonesome now. I can’t get myself out ever again.”

  


“This seems to trouble you. I know the voices and messages may seem friendly but they are dangerous.”

  


“The messages...”

  


“Yes.”

  


He took a deep breath. “I used to have the messages. Two motherfuckers givin’ the names Calliope and Caliborn. My sis was friendly and Caliborn was motherfuckin’ rude but they both gave their care. But I guess they left.”

  


“That’s good! It means you are recovering. The medicine we gave you is starting to take effect. Do you feel better?”

  


“I feel like I’ll have to get gatherin’ all the pieces of my life. I’ve been cut up all my life and they were going to rearrange me right. They had a purpose for me.”

  


“What was that purpose?”

  


Green text suddenly flashed above Annabelle’s head.

  


STRANGLE THE BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!

  


“Huh?”

  


“You said Calliope and Caliborn had a purpose for you. What was that purpose?”

  


THIS IS YOUR LORD CALIBORN. I WANT YOU TO SHUT UP. AND STRANGLE THE BITCH. *RIGHT NOW*.

  


“You can’t be you, you ain’t doin’ the U thing.”

  


“Which thing is that?”

  


THE U THING WAS STUPID. CAPS LOCK FOREVER.

  


“And you aren’t grey.”

  


“My hair has never been grey. Are you thinking of Susan? I’m Annabelle.”

  


I STOLE THE GREEN. FROM MY SISTER. HOW CAN I PROVE I’M CALIBORN? I LIKE COTTON CANDY. THERE. IS THAT PROOF?

  


Annabelle continued, “Gamzee, do you know who I am?”

  


SHE’S A MEDDLING BITCH. STOP TALKING TO HER. STOP HER NOISE-MAKING. STRANGLE HER.

  


Gamzee grabbed his head. “I CAN’T I CAN’T I CAN’T!”

  


“Just take a deep breath.”

  


YOU MUST. I AM YOUR LORD AND MASTER. YOU WILL RUIN ALL OUR PLANS. IF YOU DON’T KILL HER. ALL OUR WORK WILL BE LOST. STRANGLE HER. TAKE HER BREATH AWAY.

  


“If you ask for it, what else can this poor motherfucker do?”

  


Gamzee then took a deep breath. When he was done, he stood up and walked towards Annabelle.

  


“Sorry about this,” he said and it was the last thing he ever said to her.

  


He leapt on her and grabbed her neck. She did struggle for all her might, but Gamzee was quick to seal off her windpipe. He didn’t only strangle her but crack her neck with a strength and skill he didn’t know he had. She fell silently to the floor. Gamzee was a little horrified by what he had done but he also felt a rush of adrenaline that made him grin like his cheeks were cut.

  


The green text appeared above her body. NOW YOU ARE A MAN.

  


“Thanks,” Gamzee whispered.

  


NOW GET YOUR ASS OUT. TO THE BATHROOM. THE JANITOR LEFT SUPPLIES IN THERE. YOU KNOW HOW. TO MAKE A BOMB. COVER YOUR MOUTH. WITH WET CLOTH. DISTRACT EVERYONE.

  


Gamzee left the room like he was ordered to. Luckily, his time with Annabelle was almost over so his leaving didn’t look suspicious. He went to the bathroom and indeed there was the janitor’s basket. He took off his shirt, wet it, and tied it around his face before making a chemical bomb. He threw it down and ran off in the confusion. By the same miracle that left the janitor’s basket in the bathroom, there was an unlocked door that led to his freedom. He left with only his hospital-issued pants and his no-slip socks.

  


The green text returned to him when he was in the parking lot. I’M IN THE GREEN CORPSE-MOBILE. THIRTY FEET TO THE WEST. GET IN. 

  


In truth, even Gamzee didn’t need directions to find the cherub’s gaudy hearse. He quickly ran to it and took shotgun. 

  


“Finally,” the cherub said in a raspy voice that seemed to match his text, “You meet your new lord.” 

  


The cherub was not like Gamzee expected. He didn’t look like an angel or a monster. Gamzee could tell the cherub’s face and neck were covered in pale badly-done makeup with a fake nose. His eyes were covered by shades. On his head was an obvious white wig. His large hands were covered by white gloves. He wore a black shirt with a red bowtie and his green pants were held up by lime green suspenders. He was very short, like he was a child, though he was also muscular. Gamzee couldn’t help laughing at the cherub but he suppressed it into a giggle.

  


“Why do you laugh?” the cherub asked.

  


Gamzee replied, “Ain’t nothin’, just excited.”

  


Caliborn took off his shades and revealed the most beautiful and hypnotic eyes Gamzee had ever seen. They were candy red and outlined by thick black lashes.

  


“Remember. I am your lord and master. I am Caliborn. You will serve me. And only me. From now on.”

  


Gamzee looked around the hearse. “Where’s yo and our sis?”

  


“She’s dead.”

  


“Motherfuck! When did that get happenin’? How I did she kick the bucket?”

  


“This morning. She got too weak to live.”

  


Gamzee bowed his head. “Poor girl. She was so sweet to me, like candy. Next time we can, we should pour a forty out for her.”

  


“No wasting human soporifics. On her. She was just a causality. Just like the therapist bitch. At least Calliope provided a bard garb. For our plans.”

  


“Can’t wait to see that!”

  


Caliborn turned on the car and speed out of the parking lot. When they were on their way, Gamzee again talked to him.

  


“So, when’s this bitching plan gonna get on?”

  


“Soon. First we must go. To a certain place.”

  


“Where we goin’?”

  


“Wait. And you shall know.”

  


Gamzee was cool with that, as he was cool with a lot of things. However, he was unnerved when they arrived at a parking lot off a ways from the road.

  


“What’s this? We hiking?”

  


“It’s what humans call. Lover’s Lane.”

  


“Whoooooooa I thought we ain’t going to be lovers!”

  


“And that is the truth.”

  


“So, we gonna be haters?”

  


“No. No. No. No. It’s just...” He looked down intently at the car floor. “We should practice. For the bitches. We will have at my residence.”

  


“You got some girls in your crib?”

  


“I will. When I order them. From a pimp. And then I will order them. To kiss each other. And then kiss you. And make love with you. And maybe I can kiss. The girls. I mean.”

  


“You want me to mack on you?”

  


“Just once. For practice.”

  


“I’m a little motherfuckin’ rusty, but okay.”

  


Gamzee leaned over and pecked Caliborn on the lips. Caliborn in turn threw himself on Gamzee and started gnawing on his lips. It was the most violent kiss Gamzee had ever had and he’d dated Terezi. However, blood started flowing to Gamzee’s penis in his thin hospital pants and Gamzee didn’t know why that crazy miracle was happening. Maybe it had been too long or maybe he was remembering Caliborn’s smutty words from that one night.

  


Finally Caliborn disentangled from Gamzee. He was breathing hard and Gamzee could swear he was glowing like a miracle.

  


“Yes. Enough of this,” he said, “Time to rule the world. And get some real bitches.”

  


And that was the start of a long and strange relationship. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, this is a good first chapter. Oh wait, this is a one-shot. However, anyone is free to continue this if they want as long as they credit me.


	24. Condesce<3Colonel Sassacre, G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A man inside a room is shaking hands with other men  
> This is how it happens  
> Our world under command
> 
> Shake it, shake it baby  
> Shake your ass out in that street  
> You're gonna make us scream someday  
> You're gonna make us weep"
> 
> -Regina Spektor

[ ](http://imgur.com/6bwHVJW)


	25. Tavros<3Dave, T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Just let me check: thermos, sandwiches, corn plasters, telephone money, dandruff brush, animal footprint chart, and one triple thick condom... you never know!"
> 
> \- Duane Dibbley, Red Dwarf, Emohawk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major Tags: sexual content, sexual dysfunction, mentioned underage sex (though the characters in this are assumed above-age)  
> Additional Tags: humanstuck, minor slut-shaming

Tavros and Dave were under a tree on the top of a hill for a picnic date and it was a perfectly beautiful day to be outside. Or at least Tavros thought it was a perfectly beautiful day. Dave thought differently.  
  
“God, it’s muggy and buggy,” he said, “I’m dying here. You got some sunscreen and bug spray in your huge man purse?”  
  
“It’s a messenger bag,” Tavros growled.  
  
“Okay, in your Pokemon messenger bag that I have to admit is pretty cool, in an ironic way. Flaming horse is so metal, your messenger bag should be spray-painted on the side of a van.”  
  
“It is cool, and also, I do have a travel-sized bottle of sunscreen, as well as a travel-sized bottle of bug spray.”  
  
“I’m surprise you carry bug spray because you have that animal-first attitude.”  
  
“I like bugs, nothing against them, but I still don’t want them biting me.”  
  
“Good. Lay your bug-killing power on me.”  
  
This was easier said than done. The little bottles seemed to have shrunk and everything else expanded. Tavros turned the bag onto its side so he could find it better. Unfortunately, some of his stuff slipped out and that included three square packets. Dave snatched them up.  
  
“Wow, what are these?” Dave asked.  
  
“Um, condoms...”  
  
“Not that I don’t know what they are, Texas sex ed sucks but I still have a Bro. But really, condoms? On a second date? Can’t you wait until the Special Third Date?”  
  
“It’s not that I expected this date to be the one, where we have sex, for the first time, but I thought I should be prepared.”  
  
“Good, because despite what Cosmo says, sex in the woods isn’t romantic as much as a pain in the ass and illegal and Bro ain’t bailing me out again this year.”  
  
Dave went to put the condoms down when he noticed something else.  
  
“Wait, extra-thick condoms?” he said, “Damn, you think I’m a double-bagger? I know I may seem like a player I’m not running around bathhouses and bar bathrooms. You only need one layer.”  
  
“It’s not that! I know, you are clean, though condoms do make things cleaner. I’d use these condoms with anyone.”  
  
Dave examined the packets further. “These are your favorite type? You didn’t just accidentally grab them off the shelf and make a run to the self-checkout? Man, I didn’t even know they made extra-thick condoms. Why?”  
  
“Extra-thick condoms can be useful, for certain people, who want to control themselves, so they don’t come too early, which...” Tavros sighed. “Includes me.”  
  
“How do you know you have quick trigger problems? Have you ever fired your gun? Maybe it works fine.”  
  
Tavros frowned. “I have had sex before, a long time ago, when I was briefly dating Vriska, remember? And we, briefly, had sex.”  
  
“I remember her but I didn’t know it got any more serious than her pulling your metaphorical pigtails on the playground. You hit that?”  
  
“It wasn’t serious, irregardless, we had sex. I regret it, greatly, and not just because I fucked it up, instead of fucking correctly.”  
  
“I know I’ve fucked some people I’d use time travel to unfuck if time travel wasn’t always a failure. Use time travel to unfuck my best friend’s sister, somehow that means my parents don’t dance together at their prom and I have to do a guitar solo to win them back. Too much effort.”  
  
“Yeah, I agree. I’ve made mistakes, but time travel is not a thing, so I’ve resolved, to make no mistakes with you. Hence, my preparedness.”  
  
“Come on, we’re gonna make some mistakes. Maybe our first time, when it does happen, will be a series of accidents narrated by that fucking douche Tosh but it will be our magical series of accidents and the fairies will sing ‘Doesn’t Matter (I Had Sex)’.”  
  
“I look forward, to hearing their beautiful rendition.”  
  
“There will be a standing ovation and it will last a loooong time.”  
  
“Oh wow...”  
  
Dave put his hand on Tavros’ thigh, leaned in and kissed him. Suddenly, Tavros started to spasm.  
  
“Oh shit,” cried Dave, “Are you allergic to kissing? What’s going on?”  
  
Tavros calmed down. “Um, in the words of another Lonely Island song: I jizzed in my pants.”  
  
“Just from a kiss? Am I that good?”  
  
“Yes, and you also brushed up against my dick, and, your talk of future plans...my body was not prepared.”  
  
“Let’s put the blanket around you and get you to the car. You wouldn’t by chance have a change of undies in that messenger bag, would you?”  
  
“Actually...”


	26. Equius♠Gamzee, M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re a gentleman,” they used to say to him. “You shouldn’t have gone murdering people with a hatchet; that’s no occupation for a gentleman.” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major Tags: violence, character death, sexual content  
> Additional Tags: humanstuck, asphyxiation, insult to clergy members, mentioned underage drinking, mentioned suicide, homophobia, odd theology, black comedy, anachronisms and other inaccuracies  
> This is a seriously fucked up story.

Igor the Sparrow wasn’t surprised he was back on the train to Siberia. He’d never had the best of luck. First he got caught as an accomplice in a robbery and got sent to Siberia, then when he came back from Siberia he couldn’t find honest work so he ended up doing another job that got botched up to hell. So now the Empire was again sending him back to Siberia. However, this time, Igor was going to make use of his time instead of feeling sorry for himself. There were connections to be made among the brotherhood of convicts.   
  
For instance, in the same cattle car as him, there was a young gentleman Igor remembered from his hometown. His princely family would spend their summers in their ancestral manor in the Black Sea resort town before return to spend the rest of the year in St. Petersburg. During those few months, they made their presence known with both raucous parties and eccentric spiritualism. The young gentleman often wandered free and as drunk as a parish priest even at a tender age. Igor had left for Moscow when the boy was about 13 and he’d never returned since then. Igor had never thought much of the future dipsomaniac who spent all day staring at the beach but now that idiot rich boy would be his future.  
  
As everyone else slept and the young gentleman hummed, Igor made his way over to his bench and sat down.  
  
“Excuse me, sir?” he asked the young gentleman in his best Russian, since he did not know French, “Are you by any chance Gamzee Kurlozvich Makara?”  
  
The young gentleman slowly stopped his humming and turned to Igor with a big grin. He also answered in Russian, though it was a very strange Russian. “Eeyup, that chance of yours is my name.”   
  
“I knew I recognized you! We used to live in the same town, though of course not in the same neighborhood. I often saw you playing at the beach as a little child.”  
  
“Hey, I still play at the beach. Any beach I can gets I play at. Sure hope there are beaches in Siberia.”   
  
“It’s amazing seeing you again here! You’ve grown into such a fine gentleman! Are you a prince now? I mean, still?”  
  
“Yeap, I got myself prince-city without my old man dying. He up and joined hisself a monastery. He writes on every papers he’s taken a vow of silence but there ain’t no ones who believes he can be silent. And even with all this mess, the Empire ain’t de-Princed me. I am prince through to my Tatar blood.”  
  
“If you are a Prince, it is a shame the Empire is treating you this way. A cattle car is one thing for a commoner like me, but you deserve a real car.”  
  
“That would be swell, this place ain’t got no air for me. Be nicer riding in a plush seat car with tons of bon bons and brandy, but all trains go to Siberia.”  
  
“No, better yet, a Prince like you shouldn’t have to go to Siberia. It is a wilderness and no place for a gentleman used to the finer things. You should be able to stay in your palace and repent at your leisure. Why must they send you away so far?”  
  
“Because the Empire thinks I should be aways from St. Peter’s swamp and it’s probably a good idea. Get away from the angry folk.”  
  
Igor started to suspect there was some great intrigue behind Gamzee Kurlozvich’s arrest and it was bigger than the botched robbery Igor that landed him in jail. Igor wanted in on it.  
  
“Ahh, you’ve made powerful enemies. If you don’t mind me asking, what was the plot? I fell for a plot too, though it was certainly minor compared to yours.”  
  
“Ain’t no big plot at all. Ain’t no planning either, though I’d been wantin’ to do it a long time. I was just in the carnal act and I strangled my lover.”  
  
Igor was stunned, yet he managed to ask more. “You killed a woman? Was she your doxy or...your wife?”  
  
Gamzee laughed. “My lover weren’t neither. She was a man, the manliest man you ever saw till he was dead.”  
  
Igor was shocked this young gentleman was a sodomite until he realized it wasn’t that shocking. The filthy-mouthed gentleman did sound a bit like a woman, though it was a very masculine woman.  
  
Gamzee added, “Now I like Man’s Helpmate fine enough, they can be sweet as pie, but there’s just something more excitin’ ‘bout Man himself.”  
  
“Yes, but you are still a man with them, aren’t you? I mean, given your station and your masculinity...”  
  
Gamzee held up his hand horizontal and wobbled it. “It’s 50-50. When I feel I want to go insides someone, I do, but if they got something special for me, I let them inside.”  
  
“And, when you were in the middle of being...inside of him...you chose then to strangle him?”  
  
“He got his death before my little death, I think. I was kinda distracted, you know, riding him.”  
  
“So during sex he angered you enough to kill him?”  
  
“He angered me the first night I met him, not that he ever read that since I acted like it was nothin’, cause I ain’t one to be angry. But just the way he bossed me and played it all like a compliment, always fronting. Parroted back my French words with noble French to me like he some sort of motherfuckin’ tutor. I spake French and Russian anyway that’s natural for my tongue.”  
  
There went the hope that despite Gamzee’s horrible Russian he might be a good French mouthpiece. However, Igor said, “Agreed. A nobleman shouldn’t have to take that from a commoner.”  
  
“Commoner? Hahaha, the mighty motherfucker Count Equius Horussvich Zahhak weren’t no commoner. His kinfolk are so ancient the Khan’s great-grandfather rode them cross the steppes. Except for his grandfather there ain’t been one Zahhak that ever done no wrong, or so Equius said. He thought himself better, except he also thought himself not better because he just be a count. Me, I can’t see no tables.”   
  
“I suppose it is better to take a lover from your peers...”  
  
“Actually, we really weren’t lovers as much as haters. If hater can even be a word you use for someone dear, but he was dear. Now, at first we kissed check and said we loved each other as fellows should but when things got real, we said we hated each other and kissed everywhere God made.”  
  
“You necked...I mean, embraced romantically...in public?”  
  
“I mean everywhere God put on the body. We only necked and fucked in private rooms, like bedrooms or the pantry or the coat closet. Oh, and outside in the stables. That was his favorite.”  
  
“Uh, it must have been hard keeping your tragic affair secret.”  
  
Gamzee scratched his unshaven chin. “Actually, I think every motherfucker knew. Equibro was sure loud enough and he glowed like a draft horse the second I got myself in a room. But no one cared, not even my personal Holy Man I got off the streets. Hell, that motherfucker would be a hypocrite after all the times we’ve been embracin’.”  
  
“God embraces all us sinners,” Igor parroted weakly.  
  
“Sin is the way to God’s heart, or so I make myself believe. Maybe everyone should get to murderin’ one person in their lifetime. There sure are enough motherfuckers around to murder, ‘specially in this country. I’ve got my murderin’ out of the way and it’s time to get the penance.”  
  
“You limited yourself to one murder and it was an adult man, not a woman or a child. God’s penance will be that much lighter.”  
  
“Nope, I got myself another murder in after the first and it weren’t no man but a slip of a woman.”  
  
“She...was she...”  
  
“She was Equius’ peasant ward, came on up to see what the noise was, and then she jumped me like a hissing cat. I brought my anger down upon her head with a bedpost till she didn’t hiss at all.”   
  
“Oh, it was in self-defense...”  
  
Gamzee bowed his head. “Poor girl. I didn’t mean to kill her to I decided to kill her. Didn’t even decided to kill Equius neither. Just was some sort of miracle that douchebag left Earth.”  
  
“You just accidently strangled him?”  
  
“It was his idea. Not to die, I mean, fucker wasn’t asking for the unforgivable sin, he just thought it would be hot if I just chocked him. Never stopped talkin’ ‘bout it. Said as a prince I should feel free to chock him. Motherfucker, I said, how am I free to do something I ain’t wantin’ to do? But still, as I lay in bed at night, I thought about his face all blue. Couldn’t stop seein’ it. So one night, I did and that was his last night. And I have to say, his ugly face was the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen.”  
  
Igor finally couldn’t keep up his fawning submission. “You are fucking sick, you freak! You are the worst criminal in this car, you sanctimonious shitbag! If I could I’d throw you off the train.”  
  
Gamzee frowned. “You mean we ain’t friends? I thought I found a motherfucker that understood. I’d already got myself plannin’ a beach holiday in Siberia. You’d look so cute in a swimming costume, my cute motherfucker.” He leaned into Igor.  
  
Igor screamed so loud he woke up the whole train.


	27. Aradia/Equius, T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aradia/Equius
> 
> Supernatural Horror, Regency Romance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major Tags: character death, sexual innuendo, injury mention, sweat mention  
> Additional Tags: humanstuck, classism, drinking, implied homophobia, mental illness mention, death in childbirth, implied Equius/Nepeta sex (though they are more human pale than human flush)

Though Lord Equius Zahhak came from an illustrious lineage and received an income of £4130 a year, he had reached his thirtieth year without a wife. Despite all his advantages, eligible ladies were scared off by his excessive perspiration, his uneasy stare, and his tendency to break things when he was nervous. People theorized that any offspring of his would rip through the womb as he did with his poor late mother. Worse, they theorized he might have unnatural tastes based on his art collection, since while many a healthy gentleman enjoyed a good classic male nude, he enjoyed them in excess and his nudes did not have the classical Grecian proportions and interacted in odd ways with animal forms. Despite his nervousness with women and his slight curiosity about men, Lord Zahhak did desperately want a wife and helpmate. He felt lonely and melancholic as he reached his birthday.  
  
Still, as on every birthday, there had to be a gay party marking the occasion, and reaching such a milestone called for an enormous ball. The Zahhak Manor was big enough for many balls though the heir rarely held them. Despite the lord of the manor not having any close friends, he had a few aunts and uncles and cousins as well as a huge amount of neighbors willing to come for fine libations and sorbets of many different flavors. All the right people in Yorkshire attended to drain Lord Zahhak’s coffers.  
  
Lord Zahhak did his best to briefly greet everyone he could despite knowing only a tenth of a percent of them. Brief greetings were all his guests would allow before making an excuse to leave so they could greet other people. Though he would often forgo dancing, he decided this time he would make an obligatory attempt at the easy first dances of the night. However, his attempt at the Guadalupe Reverse Five-Step Quadrille led to one broken leg and a half dozen bruised wrists. The injured ladies and one gentleman were dispatched right away to their carriages with a bottle of vintage wine each as an apology and the dance went on, minus the guest of honor. He skipped the temptation to empty the entire milk punch bowl to drown his shame and instead walked out into the garden for some fresh air.  
  
It was a late November evening so the garden wasn’t much to look at (not that it was ever much to look at since he didn’t put much effort into it) but it was a fine sight for the overwhelmed party guest. He sat down on a stone bench, put his head in his hands and looked down at the ground for a long time to try and clear his head. When he raised his head, he saw something worth seeing in his garden. Before him was a maiden with long black hair and pearly white skin. She wore a dark blue empire-waist gown and despite the cold she wore no shawl. Despite being a bit too tall and buxom for modern fashions, to Lord Zahhak she was the most perfect woman he had ever seen. He was alarmed by her sudden appearance and wondered what sort of slippers she was wearing to be able to walk that softly. She remained quiet and said nothing to him despite staring straight at him.  
  
Finally, Lord Zahhak said, “Good evening, my name is Lord Equius Zahhak, welcome to my manor.”  
  
The woman replied in a monotone, “I already know who you are. We all know who you are.”  
  
“Have we met before? I am afraid I don’t remember.”  
  
“We did meet before. I worked as a scullery maid in your house.”  
  
Lord Zahhak cringed. “A scullery maid?! What are doing in such a fine dress then? You should be back in the kitchen.”  
  
“I don’t work for you anymore and I shall wear whatever I want.”  
  
“I can see now why you were sent away. Such impertinence! I have never been spoken to...in such a manner...by a servant, let alone the lowest of the low. A mere scullery maid! It’s so...degrading.”  
  
“You enjoy it.”  
  
Despite his protests, Lord Zahhak was becoming a bit aroused by her behavior. It didn’t help she was beautiful. He ignored this for further questioning.  
  
“Tell me your name.”  
  
“I was known as Aradia Megido.”  
  
“Was? Have you adopted a new name since you’ve left my service? Or was Aradia Megido never your name? What happened?”  
  
“I died.”  
  
Lord Zahhak was left speechless again in front of her. She couldn’t really be a ghost, could she? He was well-read in natural philosophy and the books said ghosts did not exist. The Great Architect of the Universe sent souls off to their proper place and didn’t leave them lying about to scare nervous widows and other fools.  
  
“You died? Does that mean you are a ghost?”  
  
“Yes, that’s generally what they call dead people who appear on Earth.”  
  
“How do I know you really are spirit being and not just a mad woman in stolen clothes?”  
  
“I could tell you what your ancestors have said, if I thought that would help. For instance, I could tell you why your ancestor Sheriff Darkleer Zahhak spared a lady republican rebel during the Civil War.”  
  
“You have no right to talk about even my disinherited relatives.”  
  
“So that’s why I shan’t tell you. Instead, I’ll float.”  
  
And before his eyes, she did rise two feet above the ground. Lord Zahhak was astonished at this feat and a little embarrassed at catching a glimpse of her ankle. However, he still remained stubborn.  
  
“This could still be a carnival trick. Some mechanism I suppose. Or a trick of the light.”  
  
“Your natural philosophy is useless.”  
  
“Or perhaps I have eating something that disagreed with me.” He held his head in his hands. “Oh god-goodness, I hope I haven’t succumbed to any highborn eccentricity.”  
  
“You mean madness.”  
  
He rose his head. “Madness is for the poor. I think I have an eccentricity. Yes, my father was prone to flights of fancy. He thought he had the soul of a horse.”  
  
“His ghost looks like a horse so he was probably right.”  
  
“So, you are acquaintances with all my forbearers.”  
  
“I already told you I knew Darkleer. He saved that young woman because he was deeply in love with her. She never loved him back because he executed her husband. He still never regretted saving her even as he repented betraying his kingdom. Though he was disinherited and his son sent to live with a loyalist relative, his guilt and loneliness carried on. Though of course every one of his line married, they never found a true companion in their gentlewoman wives.”  
  
Despite himself, Lord Zahhak was starting to believe this woman. Her words sounded so true. This just made him angry.  
  
“So you’ve come from the afterlife to me to tell me of my horrifying fate? Don’t you think I already know I’m lonely? What advice do you have?”  
  
“You shall not be a bachelor for long. You shall marry the young woman who sneaks into your grounds to find her missing cat. You will befriend her and she will become your wife. Though she is of the middling class, your family shall approve, since it’s not like you’ve been very successful on the marital field.”  
  
“A woman of the middling sort? For an aristocrat? How middling?”  
  
“Petite bourgeois. Her father owns a fur shop.”  
  
“I suppose it could be worse. I could marry a peasant from the hatch roof hovels on the moors.”  
  
“You mean, you could have married me. You did ask me once.”  
  
“We have met before?”  
  
“I did tell you I worked as a scullery maid in your manor. I was around fifteen years old and you were five. You would always come to the kitchen asking for milk. One day you asked for my hand in marriage and I humored you and told you I would marry you when you were older. I died the next night in a house fire.”  
  
“It was you...I think I do remember you...you were so very beautiful...more beautiful than a girl who washes dishes all day should be...” Then he turned harsh. “But you can’t expect me to stand by my offer of marriage. I was a five year old boy! They ask for their mother’s hand in marriage!”  
  
“Your mother is also a sprit being.”  
  
“Why must you bring that up? In fact, why must you even bring up my impossible marriage offer? You said I would find a real living wife, not a flimsy sprit being.”  
  
“And you shall. She shall be your wife and helpmate and bear you many strong children. But you shall never be in love with her.”  
  
“That’s...for the best. I don’t need a modern marriage. I can live without romance.”  
  
“It is good you are content with your personal fate, but the modern marriage is winning. Your descendants shall not be comfortable with their fates. This shall end when the last Zahhak marries me.”  
  
“A Zahhak marrying a ghost? That can’t be a legal and binding marriage. How would they...” He rubbed his forehead with his handkerchief. “...consummate?”  
  
“By that time, it will not be an issue. There will be the technology to place my soul in a metal automaton.”  
  
“Marrying a being of metal doesn’t seem anymore legal than marrying a being of ether.”  
  
“It will be legal by then. You don’t need to worry about the reputation of your descendants.”  
  
“I suppose a metal body would make a STRONG enough bride for a Zahhak.”  
  
“I shall be a suitable bride.”  
  
“But...why marry a Zahhak in the first place? Not that we aren’t an illustrious family to marry into, but...you don’t seem very excited by the prospect.”  
  
“I am as fond of you as I can be. It is just I have little emotion since I died. I shall only be content when my mission is carried out.  
  
“I am suspicious. What is your mission?”  
  
“I cannot tell you, but it involves the end of the world.”  
  
Lord Zahhak smiled finally. “I have a descendant who saves the world?”  
  
“You could say that. Or you could say he destroys the world.”  
  
His rare smile turned into a frown. “That’s horrible! Why must you be so mysterious? Why can’t properly inform me of my descendant’s fate so I can pass it on in an heirloom letter?”  
  
“I have already told you enough. If I tell you more, it won’t happen and there will be a paradox. You are never to tell anyone.”  
  
Lord Zahhak felt himself get excited again and wiped his brow. “Are you ordering me to tell no one? A mere scullery maid?”  
  
“I am not a scullery maid anymore. I have not worked as one for five and twenty years. I am a ghost.”  
  
“Then I shan’t tell anyone, since they would think me eccentric. I am already afraid I am eccentric.”  
  
“You are eccentric, in ways you shall never acknowledge, but you are not mad.”  
  
“This is ghost business is too STRONG for me. Now that you’ve had your say, you should leave now.”  
  
“If you order it.”  
  
She started to turn transparent and Lord Zahhak suddenly regretted losing her beautiful image.  
  
“Wait, scullery maid!”  
  
She turn opaque again.  
  
Lord Zahhak continued, “As horridly cruel as your ghost has been to me, I wish I was the one marrying you. If only you had been born to the manor, and not to a highly flammable peasant hut, I think you might have made me happy.”  
  
She only replied, “I know.”  
  
He added awkwardly, “So good luck on your marriage to...”  
  
But she was gone.  
  
Lord Zahhak looked around to see if anyone saw him speaking to the oxygen before he returned to his manor. He drank his milk punch and spent the rest of the evening in a drunken stupor. The next morning left nothing but a hangover and a vow to never drink demon spirits again.  
  
A fortnight later, a young woman named Miss Nepeta Leijon stumbled into his grounds. Despite not knowing what the spirit foretold, he still knew not to press charges. Lord Zahhak and Miss Nepeta became fast friends. A year later, they announced their engagement. The wedding was set for June, the most auspicious month for such a ritual. Lady Zahhak bore her husband many children and surprisingly enough, they all reached maturity. So the Zahhak line continued on its proper path like it had always continued.


	28. Damara/Sollux, E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edutainment meets stereotypical hentai.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Viewers Beward

Preview: [](http://imgur.com/m51VZcS)


	29. Equius<3Tavros, T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Equius<3Tavros
> 
> Dystopian society and professional wrestling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major Tags: death (character and nameless humans), background war, amputation, violence, sex discussed  
> Additional Tags: humanstuck, employee abuse

Tavros Nitram should have never taken the deal, but at the time he felt he had no choice. His paralysis left him with few job choices and despite his military service he could not count on a pension since he'd served on the wrong army. The government was too broke from the war to provide any social services and the charities dried up as the war bubble bust made previously generous people hold onto their money. His family could not be counted on since they were either all dead from the war or on the run as refugees and ill-needing someone in a wheelchair. Even the tough Aradia had given up the ghost. In a world like this, becoming an indentured servant seemed to be the only way to survive.  
  
He indentured himself to the Republican Fighting Conglomeration, a pro-wrestling organization. In exchange, they gave him new robotic legs, better than any he could have scrounged up for himself with a military pension. He was to work for the RFC until he could pay off the legs. Professional wrestling paid a lot, they said, and despite the high cost of the legs he could pay them off in five years if he played his cards right. Meanwhile, they would give him housing and three square meals a day. He thought it was a good deal.   
  
Tavros didn't know there were many catches until it was too late. For one, the matches didn't pay as well as he thought they would. They weren't set at a fixed price but depended on audience feedback. Headliners could get trillions of boonbucks in one night but jobbers were lucky if they pulled in a hundred thousand. Tavros kept being booked for Battle Royale matches as the first wrestler out. He was a non-entity to the fans. Instead of making money, he was falling more and more into debt.   
  
It was harder work being a professional wrestler than people thought. Although the matches weren’t real competitions, wrestlers still had to train and workout all the time. The attacks were scripted but they still hurt and could be fatal. All the journeyman had to live in the company barracks. The housing and food wasn’t as good as the agents said. The journeyman’s lives were heavily prescribed. They could not go out and enjoy themselves. Tavros found life to be a lot like it was in the army. Back during the war, he daydreamed about what life would be like when the Confederacy won and he could go back home to the ranch and live a life free of screaming sergeants. Unfortunately, the Confederacy had lost and he ended up living far away from home and getting screamed at by trainers.   
  
Still, Tavros kept up hope that he’d be able to make it in the world of wrestling. He may have been having a very unsuccessful first year but eventually he would get some decent matches. Perhaps he might even become a headliner. He could be a very popular Face. He did have the famous Nitram looks, even though his genes expressed themselves less as a rugged handsomeness and more as a baby cuteness. His upper body was very big and muscular even though he couldn’t seem to get his stomach toned. As for his lower half, his robotic legs were a cool addition and he kept them well-maintained. He would often thinking about what his gimmick would be once he got the spotlight. Though it was the company that chose the gimmick, sometimes the wrestlers got some input if they were big enough. He hoped he could incorporate freestyle rapping in his routine. He could be so popular and not just pay off his debts but become rich and famous beyond his dreams. Meanwhile, he lived as thrifty a lifestyle as he could paying company prices.  
  
When he reached his second year, he came into some good luck. Instead of another battle royale, he was booked for a one-on-one match. Unfortunately, it was with the Blue Stallion. The Blue Stallion was famous for actually hurting his opponents. He’d killed two opponents, though he was never charged for the deaths. Because of his unpredictability, he didn’t get many matches anymore. However, his bloodthirsty fans had demanded the aging wrestlers return and the bookers wanted to please the fans despite the risks. Tavros the Bronze Bull would be the jobber sacrificed to the Blue Stallion.  
  
The Bronze Bull felt both honored and afraid to fight the Blue Stallion. Despite his sometimes fatal mistakes, the Blue Stallion was a good pro-wrestler. His pretentious arrogance made him an excellent heel. Tavros reviewed old recordings and was actually pleased to find his opponent wasn’t always such an eloquent performer. He used to be as tongue-tied as Tavros. He would quiver and pause at odd moments. However, he eventually learned elegance. Tavros was curious how he did that.  
  
Tavros thought he had his chance when Equius started exercising and practicing in the company gym in preparation for the fight. However, Equius turned away all friendly conversation saying that it wasn’t professional for Face and Heel opponents to socialize. While newcomer Tavros had heard of this rule, he saw it broken more than observed. Tavros pointed out those examples but Equius still pushed him away. He seemed embarrassed around Tavros. So they only interacted when they were practicing their routine together.  
  
After a long month, the big day came. Even though Bronze Bull vs. Blue Stallion was an opener match and not the main match, many fans were there because of the first match. Those fans were all for Blue Stallion. The Bronze Bull had a modest, rather generic opening and then out came the Blue Stallion on a grey horse as was his custom. He got up on the stage and asked for a glass of milk. When he finished it, he broke the glass accidentally on purpose. Luckily, it was trick glass and besides, there was a tarp under him for easy clean-up. He was strong enough to break real glass, but the company didn’t want him possibly breaking his hand before a match even started. Next, he ripped off his shirt and showed that though he had gotten a little saggy with age he was still fit. The Bronze Bull scolded the Blue Stallion for his bad temper and told him he was too old to fight. He could barely get through his speech. The Blue Stallion in turn scoffed at the Face. He said his lines perfectly. Then, the referee called for the actual fight to start.   
  
Though Equius was calm through his opening performance, he was sweaty and shaky during the actual fight. It seemed like he was more nervous than Tavros. He failed some moves and his fans were annoyed. Tavros felt sorry for him. Near the end of the fight, as Tavros laid face up on the floor and Equius had his mechanical leg in a hold, Tavros whispered, “I believe you can make it.” Instead of being cheered by this, Equius’ face showed clear panic even with his shades on and instead of finishing the move by twisting Tavros’ leg a little, he twisted it so much it broke. Though the programmed feedback was nothing compared to the blackout pain an organic injury would produce, Tavros screamed. The audience was shocked except for the Blue Stallion fans who cheered. The referee came over to check but before he could, the Blue Stallion did something odd with his opponent: he put him in a fireman carry, jumped over the ropes, and ran out of the arena. The referee, announcers, and managers were unsure what to do.   
  
Equius ran to his dressing room and placed Tavros on the sofa. He got a water from the mini-fridge before returning to his side.  
  
“Drink this,” Equius said, opening the bottle for him and handing it to him.   
  
Tavros gulped down half the bottle.  
  
“Is the feedback very painful? On a scale of 1 to 100, what is it?” he asked demandingly.  
  
“Um, I guess it’s 50? But it’s not that bad, really, I think. The initial pain is gone.”  
  
Tavros went to sit up and he finally saw his leg clearly. The leg was crushed into a disgusting metal mess. This sight hurt him more than any physical pain.  
  
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” he panted.  
  
“Calm down and stop blaspheming!”   
  
“I can’t! My left leg, it’s destroyed, my lower half, I’ll have to replace it, but, I don’t have any money, I’m in debt, how will I pay off my debt? I’m fucked!”  
  
“Quiet! You will stop. I will personally repair your robotic limbs.”  
  
Tavros tore his eyes away from his mangled leg and looked at Equius. He calmed down. “You are going to repair my legs?”  
  
“Do you doubt I have the skills?”  
  
“No, I’ve read about you, and I know that you are an engineer, in addition to a wrestler, but doing that for me? A journeyman? Uhh, will I be in debt to you?”  
  
Equius turned his head away. “It is I that is in debt to you. I destroyed your legs in a foolish and unprofessional moment.” He shivered. “It was utterly shameless how I gave into my emotions.”  
  
“Emotions? Uhh, do you hate me, for real?”  
  
Equius whipped his head back to Tavros only to turn his attention to Tavros’ metal legs. “Besides, it will be a pleasure repairing your robotic limbs. It would be a shame to let a fine strapping young...pair of robotic limbs...go to waste.”  
  
He stroked the mangled legs lovingly and though Tavros had no feeling in that area he shivered. Equius noticed Tavros’ reaction and took his hand away.   
  
“Yes, indeed,” Equius said as if to cover up the awkwardness, “You will have fully-functional legs fit for a champion wrestler.”  
  
“I’ll look forward to that! Maybe you can help me train afterwards?”  
  
“No,” growled Equius, “After I am through fixing my mistake, we will have no contact with each other. I will make sure the management never books us together again. I don’t ever want to see you again.”  
  
Tavros growled back, “Why do you hate me, so much? I know you said, you are getting into kayfabe, but is this really necessary?”  
  
“It is for your own good, greenhorn.”  
  
“How is it for my own good? Because you want to beat me up? You are as mean, and bigoted, as your persona, which makes it not a persona, but a real personality.”  
  
“And you are being foolish and nosey. I will not confess my depraved feelings for you!”  
  
“It’s a good thing you see hatred as depraved, because I think...” Tavros gasped in sudden realization. “Depraved means something else in this case, doesn’t it? Are you attracted to me...sexually?”  
  
“I said I wouldn’t confess my feelings and I mean it.”  
  
“I want to know, if you, uhh, got off, from on mangling my leg! I think I deserve to know that!”  
  
“I did not do anything of the sort on purpose! I don’t want to hurt you! That’s why we cannot fight again! I cannot do my craft when you inspire too STRONG a passion in my heart.”  
  
Tavros muttered, “You love me, don’t you?”  
  
“I have felt a passion for other opponents and it only hurt them. It is best I don’t love anyone. I shall not love you.”  
  
Tavros bowed his head. “Actually, I feel the same. Not as in I love you, it’s just, I can’t be with anyone, since my lower half was destroyed, meaning, uhh, no sex, though I wasn’t much interested in that before.”  
  
Equius stood up at this. “Love is about more than carnal passions!” He then sat down and covered his face. “Or so I have heard.” He sighed. “Truth be told, I have never been in a relationship. Not a real one, that is, instead of a kayfabe one. I am terribly afraid to have sex.”  
  
“Maybe we are more in common, then we think. Maybe, even though I’m not sure, if I’m in love with you now, we could try a relationship.”  
  
“You would risk being with me?”  
  
“I think, I can be brave enough, to be in a relationship.”  
  
Equius grabbed Tavros’ hands. “Oh Ni-Tavros! Thank you!”  
  
Tavros groaned. “Uhh, first? Could you let go of my hands? You’re a little tight.”  
  
Equius dropped his hands to side. “Oh, sorry.”  
  
And that’s how the Bronze Bull and the Blue Stallion became a tag team off the ring. When the Bronze Bull earned enough money to buy off his contract, he retired with the Blue Stallion to run a horse farm. They lived happily ever after – until the next war.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know pro-wrestling very well.


	30. Dirk<3Equius, M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk<3Equius
> 
> Motivational Movie about Sports + Bara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: censored peen, sweat

[](http://imgur.com/dYnmWTz)


	31. Equius♥Eridan, M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Equius♥Eridan
> 
> Absurdist Bodice Ripper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major Tags: character and non-character death, murder, suicide by hanging, discussed rape and rape apologism, unusual lubrication mention  
> Additional Tags: humanstuck, march!Eridan, repressed sexual feelings

Equius Zahhak is a man with a destiny. Unlike many, he knows exactly who is to be the love of his life: Eridan Ampora. That name is highlighted in a tattered paperback along with all the Good Parts. Equius Zahhak’s name is also in this published novel. Nobody else in the world is named Equius Zahhak or Eridan Ampora since those names are just strange combinations of Latin, Greek, and Farsi unlikely to naturally occur on any birth certificate. Hence, the book is very likely to be destiny.  
  
In the book, Eridan Ampora is a naval captain turned evil pirate queen. Equius Zahhak is a gentleman farmer. They meet when Eridan attempts hijacks the ship Equius happens to be taking passage on. The crew is afraid but Equius seduces Eridan and turns the pirate queen honest. They get married and live in Equius’ palatial manor raising horses and children. Meanwhile, there is a war and royal intrigue, but those parts aren’t highlighted. It is a fully-described fate.   
  
Equius Zahhak was introduced to the story when he was very young and when he could read it himself, he did it excessively. Still, he didn’t understand it. Eridan was not female but male and the book did nothing to hide that fact. Eridan is always referred to by male pronouns, nobody calls him a woman, and though his feminine beauty is often remarked on to the point of excess, he has male genitalia. Still, Eridan wears dresses and is called the pirate queen. Equius does not know “queen” is a slang term for an effeminate homosexual and thus does not interpret the novel this way. Homosexuality is unknown to Equius so he would never label himself as homosexual. Despite his confusion, he is still certain a man will be the person he is most sexually attracted to.  
  
Another point of confusion with the story is the seduction. Equius found the seduction off. His character seduces Eridan by ripping open Eridan’s bodice, holding him down with his strength, and sodomizing him while Eridan yells no several times. The book refers to this as ravaging. Even given that Equius is unlikely to know the term “rape culture”, he finds this sounds more like rape than “ravaging”. Still, he tells himself it isn’t rape since Eridan’s body shows signs of arousal like blushing and turgidity and anal lubrication and Eridan eventually says yes.   
  
Even with all his misgives, he still believes the book and he models himself after the character in it. This is made easier by the fact in was born the heir to a title and large estate, lives in a vaguely 17th-18th Century Anglo-American milieu, and has an above-average penis with a large purple head. The long hair, muscles, wardrobe of tight pants and white frilly shirts worn open, intense interest in horses and art depicting horses, and his lack of close friends are all his own efforts. Yet contrary to the novel, he has a secret desire to be the one forced down and sodomized by a feminine-leaning person. Where this desire comes from, he does not know, though he tries to repress it as much as he can. Also, he sweats a lot and that’s off-putting.  
  
At the start of the novel, the character of Equius is an adult and his parents are dead. The Equius in this story makes sure this is true. At a young age, he poisons his mother slowly so she dies of a tragic illness. Later, he sabotages his father’s carriage so it falls off a cliff. The novel does not say Equius murders his parents, but he decides that would be the best way to become an orphan. Perhaps you could say a protagonist willing to rape might also be willing to commit patricide.   
  
Though Equius knows he will have no other lover than Eridan and he will never be sexual compatible with anyone else, he still has sex with prostitutes on multiple occasions. The sex is joyless and even excruciating for Equius, but it must be done in order for him not to be a virgin when he meets Eridan. Eridan will be a virgin and will not even have sexual feelings until he is touched by Equius.  
  
Equius Zahhak prepares. Equius Zahhak waits. Eridan Ampora doesn’t come.   
  
On Ash Wednesday of Equius’ 30th year, an androgynous man all in black with white sneakers appears in front of Equius. This is not Eridan Ampora. The figure calls themselves “The Stagehand”. The Stagehand tells Equius Zahhak that Eridan Ampora works as a performer at a drag club. Equius is very confused because Eridan is supposed to have another career and Equius doesn’t know what a drag club is. He is skeptical. The Stagehand explains what a drag club is and shows Equius photographs of Eridan Ampora on stage. Though Equius doesn’t know what photographs are, he does somehow recognize Eridan Ampora. He feels a burning in his heart and a hardening in his tight pants. He orders the Stagehand to take him to this club and the Stagehand is annoyed since that’s what they planning in the first place.  
  
When the two arrive, the drag club is burnt down. The Stagehand says the drag club was burned because the neighbors didn’t like Eridan Ampora performing in March. Eridan Ampora died in the fire. Equius Zahhak is enraged and goes to kill the Stagehand. The Stagehand says that Eridan Ampora would have never been a sea captain since he has severe thalassophobia caused by his father throwing him off a pier when he was young. The Stagehand then disappeared before Equius can have his revenge.  
  
Equius Zahhak hangs himself and gets an erection.


	32. Jake & Erisolsprite, G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake&Erisolsprite
> 
> Saturday Morning Animal Cartoon (with a moral and everything) + Mech Anime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: implied destruction

[](http://imgur.com/Ken9B77)


	33. Cronus/Bro, M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bro/Cronus  
> Japanese harassment on public transport-porn + japanese game-shows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major Tags: sexual content, sexual assault, rationalizations for sexual assault  
> Additional Tags: humanstuck, racism

Japan hadn’t been working out for Cronus as well as he thought it would. He wasn’t Big In Japan yet and it had been a whole year. When he sent out his CDs to the record companies, he only got overly-polite form letters. He had only managed to get one gig and that was for a charity for skin conditions. However, he screwed that one up by being a little too amorous with the event coordinator and they dropped him which was totally unfair. After six months, he ran out of trust fund money and had to get a job. He found one at a record shop in Shinjuku. It was amazing he got that job because despite his vast knowledge of music, he only knew basic Japanese. He mostly worked the backroom though he really wished he could work the front and tell the customers everything he knew about music and maybe flirt a little. Even this dream was denied to him. In the meantime, he worked harder than he ever had in his life, which wasn’t saying much.  
  
He hadn’t prepared himself very well for Japan. For one thing, he barely knew the language. He had watched a lot of subbed anime with Rufioh but that was only because he was trying to seduce him. Rufioh’s hotness distracted Cronus too much to learn the language. It was his fault Cronus didn’t know more. Worse of all, Rufioh never put out. He said it was because he was loyal to his boyfriend Horuss but everyone but Horuss knew that was a lie.  
  
Speaking of which, Cronus had also hoped he would get some tail in Japan. Even if he wasn’t musically Big in Japan, he was big in other ways that Japanese men couldn’t measure up too. It wasn’t just that he was tall. Basically he had a big penis. Okay, it wasn’t monster-sized but seven inches was a good size. To show it off, he always wore tight pants. However, the girls and boys weren’t interested in his package or his exotic good looks. He thought Americans were popular in Japan but he wasn’t the only gaijin in Tokyo. As he walked the streets, he’d see native hotties arm-in-arm with white men that didn’t have what he had and it made him mad.  
  
So maybe he had a little chip on his shoulder when he started his career as a chikan. It happened accidentally. A hot office lady fall into him and on a whim he took the chance to feel her up. She didn’t react, probably because she thought it was accidental. Cronus was emboldened to try it again with a different woman, this time on purpose. He found it was incredibly easy. The women and girls did seem to notice, but for some reason didn’t call him out. He was amazed at how far he could get. He didn’t just momentarily feel girls up, he managed to digitally penetrate. Often times they got wet and that showed that they totally liked it. He could have sworn one girl had an orgasm. Cronus had a hard time keeping himself from having an orgasm too but except for one time he managed to hold it in until he could get to a station bathroom. Sometimes he didn’t get a boner but it was still a good time. He’d thought about feeling up boys, but he never had the guts.  
  
So one morning when he was on his 13th time, he noticed a particularly big schoolgirl with a particularly short skirt. She was wearing an orange hat with badly-dyed blonde braids coming out of it. She had a weird style but Cronus didn’t care. He was sure the skirt wasn’t to code but it was up to his codes. Her tiny pink panties barely covered her bubble bottom. It was the hottest ass Cronus had ever seen and he couldn’t resist. He moseyed on over to her end of the train and started rubbing his shoulder against her back. She did not react and Cronus took this as a sign to go on. With two hands, he slipped under her skirt and started rubbing that perfect ass when...  
  
Klaxons suddenly went off everywhere. The ass started flashing bright red. Cronus took his hands off, stepped back, and fell on the floor. The tall girl turned around and threw off the orange hat with two fake braids. She was wearing pointy red glasses like that character in an anime Cronus had forgotten. He suddenly realized the tall girl was actually a man. Though her face was pretty, it clearly had stubble.  
  
The tall girl said in a masculine voice, “Nē otoko, Chikatetsu Chikan Kensaku e yōkoso.”  
  
Everyone turned to the man in the schoolgirl outfit and clapped and cheered. Suddenly a camera man appeared with a boom mike. Cronus only muttered, “What?”  
  
“Chikatetsu Chikan Kensaku henshitsu-sha ga jibun jishin o shōkan shi, shōhin o kakutoku suru koto ga deki, saishin no gēmushōdearu.”  
  
“Game show? I don’t understand.”  
  
“Anata wa watashi no senri-hin o tsukamu tame ni dai 4-kai hentaidesu. Sore wa anata ni, kyō no shutsujō-sha to naru. Sore wa dono yō ni kanjirudeshou ka?”  
  
“Please, I’m confused!”  
  
“Kare wa konran shimasu. Watashitachiha subetede wa arimasen ka? Watashitachiha, kantan'na shitsumon kara hajimemashou.”  
  
“Question?”  
  
“Pink Lady-hatsu no shinguru no namae wa nanideshita ka?”  
  
Cronus’s Japanese skills failed him and he only understood the words “Pink Lady”. Normally he would know the answer to this, but he was too befuddled. “Jeff?” he answered.  
  
The klaxons went off again. Everyone sighed in disappointment.  
  
“Mōshiwakearimasen otoko, anata wa sore ga kanzen ni machigattemashita. No tame no jikan...”  
  
In unison, the whole car yelled in English, “PENALTY GAME!”  
  
All the passengers then rushed to Cronus and lifted him up. He tried to struggle but there were too many of them. The train doors open and the hapless contestant was taken to parts unknown.  
  
He never molested anyone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is the Japanese? That is a secret.


	34. Condesce/Seahoofbeast, M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remix: Condesce/seahoofbeast: Remember when Condesce had sex with her prized seahoofbeast?  
> Original Work: [voidofbreath](http://hs-worldcup.dreamwidth.org/18819.html?thread=4216963)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: bestiality, implied animal death

[](http://imgur.com/ibfpK7N) [](http://imgur.com/aGhsdo3)


	35. Caliborn & Damara & Kurloz & Meulin & Gamzee, M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember when they were in high school and all went through their edgy wannabe Satanist phase at the same time?
> 
> [Original Work](http://hs-worldcup.dreamwidth.org/18819.html?thread=4278147#cmt4278147) by [violinists-metronome](http://violinists-metronome.dreamwidth.org/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major Tags: violence discussed (including violence to genitals, anus, and eyes), sex mention, underage alcohol and drug use, urination mention, mentioned human leather  
> Additional Tags: humanstuck, religion (Satanism), slurs

Caliborn, Damara, Kurloz, and Meulin were youth angry at the world yet powerless to do anything. So, like many teenagers, they turned to magic. However, magic had disappointed them. All the Wiccan books and articles they found just offered spells for acing your exams or clearing your acne. None of them cared about how they did in school since school was pointless bullshit. What they all wanted was revenge. They decided to turn away from worshipping Mother Nature to worshiping Satan. However, mainstream Satanism bored them. The Church of Satan was just an organization for atheists who want to be edgy. Weren’t there supposed to be secret bands of Satanist out there trying to take over the world? If there were organizations like that, they weren’t recruiting among high school students.  
  
The four teenagers decided to form their own coven. Caliborn was theoretically the leader. They would meet at Kurloz’s place because the Old Goat didn’t really give a fuck about what his children did for the most part. The four would sit down on a rug in the half-furnished basement (did Mr. Makara ever finish anything?) and spend all afternoon hanging out. Damara had managed to get a water pipe by “dating” the head shop owner so they could all smoke mary jane in style. Sometimes she also seduced older men to get them to buy her booze. Upstairs, Mr. Makara had a full bar with every liquor known to man available but even if he wasn’t attentive with most things he would notice if his bottles went down by just an inch or if they were watered down. Nobody wanted to risk his wrath. Cheap wine would have to do. At least the marijuana was quality.  
  
So far, all they had managed to do in that basement was get completely wasted. They talked about what they wanted to do but never did it. That changed when they finally got their hands on a Satanic Bible worth reading. It was Damara who found it in the woods. It didn’t have any barcodes on it and that meant it must be a secret book. It was written by a mysterious person named Doc Scratch and it was made of a strange leather they all decided must be human skin. Damara hadn’t read much of it since the book taxed her already limited English skills so she brought it to the coven for them to read. Kurloz read it out loud for the group (only later would his tobacco-chewing cost him his voice). Everyone listened spellbound. Not only was the prose beautiful, there were real black magic spells with helpful diagrams.  
  
It was oddly at the Leijon’s instead of the old familiar hangout that they decided to carry out a spell. Though Ms. Leijon was a more attentive parent, her house was located in a more magically auspicious location so they decided to risk getting caught. Kurloz brought along his middle-school-aged brother Gamzee. Gamzee already often hanged out with four even though he wasn’t allowed in the coven. Though he was annoying, today they had good reason to bring him along.  
  
First, Meulin drew a perfect pentagram. She was the master tagger of the group after all. While they set up, they talked about who they talked yet again about who they would take revenge on.  
  
“My sister is going. To a chess tournament,” Caliborn said, “I hope she loses. In the worse way possible. I hope she gets banned. Our parents won’t be proud. And say she’s the smarter twin. She’s just a little stuck-up bitch.”  
  
“Hey, I like your sister,” Gamzee said.  
  
“Shut up.”  
  
“Okey dokey, Caliborn.”  
  
“Today Rufioh come to me,” Damara said, “Say he is tired of horse boy.”  
  
Meulin lifted her head. “Wow!!! That’s grreat mews!”  
  
“No, it is not. He always say that. He dumps horse boy all the time. Then they back together. Heavy petting in public. I still angry at Rufioh. Hope he gets prolapsed anus. From horse boy fucking him in the ass. I hope he never sit down again. Because horse boy too large. I hope Rufioh get AIDS. From fucking all of school on rebound.”  
  
“He is a tomcat! You are better without him!” Meulin said but she didn’t mean it. “As for me, Meenah also tried to meow with me with me today. She says all the drama is water under the bridge! Like, lol, who is she to furrgive me! She should be the one apurrlogizing! I want to scratch out her eyes!”  
  
“And I piss in her eye sockets. She make Rufioh fuck horse boy. Then she tell me I so ugly and stupid that horse boy better fuck.”  
  
“Meenah is a buffalo bitch who is not fit to rule our school. Some ninja better take it on to slay her with a mighty axe. AMB motherfuckers.” Kurloz said.  
  
“No bitch. Should rule anything,” Caliborn said.  
  
“And that false John Travolta poser Cronus better know himself that he’s not to molest my retarded ninja Mituna just because Mituna got fucked up in his brain lobe and don’t know his surroundings.”  
  
“Aww, it’s so sweet how you care about Mew-tuna!” Meulin said.  
  
“Even I not sleep with Cronus. Not even for carton of cigarettes. He offer me that once. And twice.”  
  
“He can’t even partake in tobacco correctly,” said Kurloz, “All with his ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ falseness.”  
  
“His dick should fall off. In Rufioh’s ass. But even Rufioh not fuck Cronus.”  
  
Meulin said, “We can change that with our magical powers! Satan can help us get Cronus laid so he can enjoy his AIDS!”  
  
“I don’t know if even Satan. Can get Cronus’ bitches.”  
  
Meulin laughed.  
  
Gamzee finally spoke up. “Hey, and maybe we strike down on Equius with our powers!”  
  
“Who said you got any of our powers?” Caliborn asked.  
  
Meulin asked, “I thought you were furriends with Equius!”  
  
Gamzee explained, “He is my bro, I’m friends...but...he’s a motherfuckin’ chumpass hater so maybe he should be subjugated too?”  
  
“Hurting horse boy-chan would hurt big horse boy. I approve.”  
  
“Okay,” Caliborn said, “It’s Calliope. And Rufioh. And Meenah. And Cronus. And Equius. Why the hell not.”  
  
Meulin finished lighting the candles. “Lol, this is grrreat! Gonna finally do magic for reals! On to the last step!”  
  
Gamzee asked, “So, what are we getting to do for the motherfuckin’ next step?”  
  
All four looked at Gamzee. Kurloz put his hand Gamzee’s shoulder.  
  
“My brother of my blood,” he said, “It is time for you to sacrifice of your virgin blood.”  
  
Gamzee drew back. “Wha’ tha’ motherfuck?”  
  
“You are a virgin right?!” Meulin asked, “You’ve only been interested in Tavros and he turned you down!”  
  
Gamzee growled. “How the fuck do you know that? You got ninja spies?”  
  
“Oh shit, I shouldn’t have blabbed what your brother told me! Fuck! But you would have made a cute couple of gay babies!”  
  
Gamzee looked at Caliborn. “But...ain’t he a virgin too?”  
  
“I fuck bitches. Till they bleed,” Caliborn grunted.  
  
The other three didn’t believe him but they weren’t about to try and make the muscular Caliborn the sacrifice instead of little Gamzee.  
  
“Come on, Gamzee, you’re the virgin! We’ve all had teh sexxor, especially Dameowra! Our blood won’t work!” Meulin whined.  
  
“I know I haven’t gotten to poppin’ my v-card, my ass is unspoken for, but I ain’t layin’ myself down to die!”  
  
Kurloz sighed. “Oh my brother, you won’t die. This magic spell don’t require a taking of life that’s virgin.”  
  
“So what’s the means of sacrifice?”  
  
Damara held up a pocket knife. “Knife-cutting.”  
  
Kurloz added, “But only a carvin’ of the skin, not a stabbin’ of the heart.”  
  
Gamzee looked at the knife. “That still sounds like a hurting and I ain’t for pain, you know me.”  
  
The coven laughed.  
  
“Lol, you can take 9000 levels of pain!” Meulin said.  
  
Caliborn said, “I once saw you. With the goth raghead. She hit you with a running kick. In the nuts. Down the stairs. You only had a bruised wrist.”  
  
“Oh, that’d missed my mind. Fuck her. Can we add Kanaya to the list?”  
  
“There is no pain my strong brother can’t take,” Kurloz said.  
  
“Yeah, he’s purratically a masochist!”  
  
“Hey, just cuz I keep gettin’ myself beaten up don’t mean I’m always liking it.”  
  
“Do it for our family so we might strike down our enemies,” Kurloz said.  
  
Gamzee looked down in thought. “Family is important.”  
  
Caliborn added, “And if you are a through pussy. Do it because I will dump out your parent’s 12 Year Whiskey. And replace it with piss. And tell him you did it.”  
  
“The Old Goat! He’ll kill my ass!”  
  
Kurloz held up his hands. “Whoa, don’t go that far. No motherfuckin’ family of mine is going to drink of stank-ass urination.”  
  
“It won’t happen. That is. If Gamzee knows. What is good for him.”  
  
Gamzee sighed and nodded his head. “I’ll do it for family and for all the motherfuckers we’ll strike on.”  
  
Kurloz grabbed a red marker. “First, we need to mark the motherfuckin’ path of the blade. Flesh brother, show me your flesh. Take off your t-shirt.”  
  
Gamzee took off his t-shirt slowly. He laid down on the cold basement floor awaiting the red marker and later the pocket knife. Though Meulin drew on the floor, it was up to Kurloz to draw on his brother. As the red marker hit Gamzee’s thin chest, he squeak a little but he was quiet throughout. Everyone else silently watched in anticipation.  
  
The blade never came. They were interrupted by Meulin’s little sister Nepeta opening the door.  
  
She said, “Meulin, Mom says to...”  
  
She took in the scene before her. The coven and Gamzee waited for the scream. It never came.  
  
Nepeta just sighed. “You guys are such dorks. Anyway, Mom says we're on our own for dinner.”  
  
Nepeta left and everyone in the basement suddenly felt very silly.  
  
Somewhere far away in paradox space, Doc Scratch laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't over! I have a few fills I never finished. I'll finish and post them later.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Two STRONG Patriotth](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2379611) by [buttmaster](https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttmaster/pseuds/buttmaster)




End file.
